you sure think about brains an awful lot…

At long last, we have reached the final post from the original blog on tumblr.  I promise to post the ultra-special super-entry within the week, to officially inaugurate this lovely new site (thank you WordPress, your elegance and ease-of-use is almost confusing in its non-confoundingness).  Before I leave you to re-read something old, let me just say that the letter below is one of my favorite posts on this site.  As an added bonus, I will be adding a few fun hyperlinks for you to enjoy.  So, enjoy!

So anyways, I haven’t posted in over two weeks, and that is a major faux-pas to a budding bloglodyte.  In my defense, I was working on a superawesometastic Valentine’s Day post, but it was just simply too involved to be put together in a slapdash manner.  You guys are going to have to wait a little longer for that post.  It will hopefully be worth it.  I’m sure you will all think so.  That post is now going to be saved for a VERY SPECIAL OCCASION that is coming soon to an interweb near you (except for you, young Timothy Foo).

I have purchased the domain okcupidletters.com and will soon be migrating content over to that domain on a new site.  I really like tumblr, and will continue to post entries here in parallel, but I don’t understand why most tumblr people just repost other people’s photos and things and think that it’s a waste of time and bandwidth to repost photos of pretty girls…So I am moving to a more mature and wordcentric blog platform. So now that I have built up that blog-post to the point where it can’t help but be disappointing to you when it does get published on http://okcupidletters.com in the very near future.  As for now, you’ll just have to muddle through another short but sweet post…

Now, I view these letters as ovum, waiting to be fertilized by a reply.  If it doesn’t get a reply, the letter is flushed down the toilet like period soup, but with commas and colons involved.  I would like to reiterate that all of these letters are honest-to-goodness attempts to make a legitimate connection with a stranger on the internet.  I guess that just makes me strange.  To me, these are snapshots of my soul, dangling on a virtual string for you to judge.

What we have here is one of my best subject line/opening sentence combinations.  I have no idea what kind of imagined case of Herpes Simplex 2 prevented this young lady from even acknowledging the wit contained herein.  I mean, just two hours ago, a lovely lass had the decency to quickly reply in reference to my subject line, although she was on her way to bed and didn’t have time to fully absorb the majesty contained within said message.  Of course, those are now words that I can’t post here.  See, I have a filter!  Regardless, it is time to foist this upon you:


you sure think about brains an awful lot…

Sent to kit_kit
Jan. 8, 2009 – 4:03am
9% Enemy 82% Friend 88% Match

are you a zombie? A zombie who can pass for cute and then when I fall asleep you eat my brains? very cunning, indeed!

For reals, though, your description of a Sunday sounds awesome, though to tell you the truth, “morning” for me on a Sunday seems to be more like noon (on an early day). I’m glad you were able to bring some Vonnegut books with you, as life without them just seems wrong. Your paragraph about music really got to me. In my solo acoustic sets, I used to cover “Pretty Eyes” (The Natural Bridge is still my favorite Joos record, despite everyone who touts American Water as the be all, end all).

Welcome to NY.

*(Oh and as always, the Icebreaker function had plenty to say on our matchitude.  Observe:  “I think you both like cooking, cardigans, johnny cash, the beatles, and the kinks.” – as expected, context has no bearing on this algorithm.  I totally like Cardigans, the band, but not cardigans, the type of sweater.  The woman in the profile clearly wears the sweaters.)

since i’m not going back outside until sunset..

Hello, it’s me again!

Back with another in a burgeoning (and seemingly endless) series of letters I wrote to young ladies on Ok Cupid that never received a response.  Today’s entry contains what just might be the best closing line I’ve ever written, and I am super-excited to share it with you all.  I bet the old dude sitting directly in front of me at the Borders Cafe here in Stony Brook reading PhotoPlus magazine feels the same way. (Sorry, attempt to take photo of said old man with my phone totally phailed – it came out all blurry.  Too much coffee, methinks).

Anyhow, I wrote this in June of 2008, and you can tell, because I was staying indoors until the sun went down, because I cannot deal with the heat.  And allow me to say that I am still looking to meet someone cute, smart, funny and into music, food and games of knowledge.  I mean, what better way to find a woman than to point out all the ones that wouldn’t speak to you in the first place.  If this doesn’t work, just wait until I run out of these letters and switch to the ones I actually went on dates with (or who wrote me back and then we just stopped).

Oh well, so much for working on my book while I was here…

since i’m not going back outside until sunset..
Sent to ilana81
13% Enemy 91% Friend 85% Match
Jun. 15, 2008 – 5:23pm

Hi there,

So I just realized that I had added you to my favorites (right when I signed up) in order to message you and then forgot to follow through with that part (the actually sending a message instead of just looking like an internet weirdo part). I have this weird internet-related thing where there are things I mean to do when I sign on and then turn into a zombie and forget to do any or all of the things I meant to do. I don’t think I’m the only one…

Allow me to make up for that now by saying “Hi, I’m Jon and I’m looking to meet someone cute, smart, funny and into music, food and games of knowledge.” I don’t like to talk about myself, but I love to tell stories. I’m working on a book and also, my standup routines evolved from most of the stories that are going into the book.

I hate these lame introductory messages. I can only experiment with the format so much that I don’t sound like a complete lunatic (since I’m actually looking for a response). It’s be easier if I didn’t want you to write back, so then I could just write the most bizarre crap. I’ll have to save that for my blog.*

Now that I’ve completely weirded you out, I hope you have a wonderful day.

* editor’s note:  I wasn’t getting all meta here, as I had not yet started this particular blog at the time I sent this message.  I was merely referring to one of my other blogs (probably this one), where it’s normal for me to write weird shit.