Dear Ms. Lovetolurk

I have lots of friends who have found that significant otherness – be it a person who loves them infinitely, or just a place where they can feel free to be themselves without too much hassle.  People who have found their bliss.  I’m so jealous.  I’ve been searching, and it’s like that scene in “Spaceballs” where they’re combing the desert and the one guy says “We ain’t found shit!”  I suspect that I’ve been looking outside of myself for these things, and clearly the search needs to be focused inside.  But maybe that is just clap-trap and hooey.  All I know is that some people seem to just find their path right away, and some of us can think we’re on it, have the rug pulled out from underneath, and then spend countless lifetimes trying to recapture that point in time when things actually seemed to be going right.

I’m not trying to absolve myself from blame in all of this.  I’m just trying to work out the whys and wherefores of my soul being crushed and trampled like so much cereal that got dumped on the floor when someone’s dog managed to get the cupboard open.  Trust me, there are several specific moments in the past that I can pinpoint where I made a choice to zig instead of zag, and I wonder “what if…” and then it just makes me wonder if even stooping to ponder theoreticals is worth the energy I should possibly be spending making new choices to improve my situation.  Ouroboros in full butterfly effect mode.  Instant rabbit hole, just add self-doubt of a crippling intensity.  Kind of like the Wonder Twins of grief:  form of bucketful of self-doubt; fill with potions of a depressant nature!  And why do the Wonder Twins have a monkey named Gleek exactly like how the two kids that hang out with Space Ghost have a monkey named Blip?  Substitute the transformative uselessness of vaguely asian twins turning into some kind of water and vessel with which to transport said water for aryan space humans turning invisible.  What if they got drank?  What then?  How is that a super power?  At least being invisible has advantages.

But I digress.  I came across the above paragraphs recently, having originally written them in August, when I was still mired in my previous dead-end job in a warehouse.  Lately, I’ve not been writing much, because I’ve been trying to adjust to my new job and its slightly different schedule and its different effects on my body and mind.  It’s mostly good and I’m happier than I’ve been for a long time.  I no longer dread going to work and I’m actually enjoying working most of the time.  Sure, I miss having my nights free, but mostly it just keeps me out of trouble on some nights, although on other nights, I tend to try to overachieve in my intake of libations to somehow make up for it.  Not the best plan.  I’m working on leveling it off.  Don’t worry too much.

Which brings me to this week’s installment.  I’m going to continue with my shake-up of the timeline, and present you with another “freshie” that was actually sent the same night that I published the last post.  I think that a month is enough time to elapse to declare this a letter never responded to.  This particular letter makes me laugh a lot, and I hope it makes you laugh, too (but with me, and not at me, but I might be okay with you laughing at me, because I know I am a silly man).  I think I should point out at this time, that sometimes I DO get responses, and in fact, I recently did meet up with someone from OK Cupid for a lunch date. And I should be meeting up with someone else from OK Cupid for sushi soon, if the hurricane doesn’t destroy us all.  I merely share these letters with you, dear loyal readers, because I am an attention whore, and I require validation for my self-perceived wit on a constant basis, because I am still insecure about it, even though I believe myself to be a talented writer, and my writing friends actually talk positively about my writing to each other without me knowing about it.  But mostly, I just like to laugh at myself.  Here’s another opportunity to join me as I laugh at myself.  I’m proud of this one.

Dear Ms. Lovetolurk
Sent to lovetolurk
Sep 24, 2012 – 3:21am
7% Enemy  82% Friend  78% Match

Dear Ms. Lovetolurk,

I’m not sure at the present time if I actually believe that you are a real woman who exists, and not just some Kelly LeBrock in “Weird Science” experiment, put together by two horny teenage nerds. Or at the very least, something akin to those fake profiles from Russia that have sent me messages. I mean, there’s the Snark Factor (set to warp snark), the air of mystery, and the promise of being such a party monster that someone would obviously have to die. Definitely seems to good to be true. Back when Myspace was in its infancy, my brother was fooled into developing feelings for a girl from the midwest who wasn’t really real. I mean, she herself was a real person, but not the person she represented herself as being. She had stolen the photos from a girl she didn’t even know from California.

Sadly, I am missing one of your valued qualities – ie, happy feet. My feet are grouchy. Although last week, when pre-gaming for my birthday, somehow I had so much to drink that I did actually start dancing for no reason. But the week before, on my radio show, I even went on a rant about dance music, and how it and I have never really had a good relationship. I think it has something to do with a complete lack of rhythm on my mom’s side. Hell, even my gay uncle can’t dance!

Well, moving right along because I clearly haven’t done enough to get you to click the delete button yet, I am going to sign off now so that I can try and post to my blog before going to sleep. I am so 2002. Goodnight, and good luck in your bid for total OKCupid dominance.

Sincerely yours,
J (not a robut)

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david bowie

Okay, so, I was originally going to post this as a bonus post THREE MONTHS ago, but clearly that did not happen.  I guess I got sidetracked by posting on Tiffany’s Open Letters blog and then the buildup to leaving New York and the two week roadtrip that ensued.  Followed by my being a lazy asshole drinking and sleeping on my friend Maddi’s couch for ten days before living in a motel and finally finding a sublet.  Anything else I say is just excuses.  And I was doing so good at updating weekly, too.  Oh well…

So yes, I have moved to Austin, Texas.  The land of abundant food trucks, Tex-Mex, BBQ, Longhorns, live music and shitty pizza and Chinese food.  It is also home to Lone Star beer, which is cheap, plentiful and fairly drinkable.  Except for the fact that I seem to be allergic to it, like I am with many wheat beers as well.  It is like some weird sort of Jew Hell to inhabit a land where you can’t drink the cheapest beverage.

This young lady has since moved to Chicago, which may explain why she didn’t respond to me.  Or, she really hates Air Supply cassettes!  Also, it should be noted that this message she sent me was a result of that “Mystery Match” bullshit thing that like randomly finds someone who likes something you like and then says “Doucheboy10 also enjoys jumping the shark.  You should message them and if they reply, you will get to see their profile.”  It’s like the Rob Gordon-omatic of dating sites.  I never use it because I am too afraid of emailing a random woman who likes “Spaceballs” or something.

david bowie
Message from laurenzo44
Jan 24, 2010 – 5:12pm
29% Enemy 65% Friend 71% Match

I have to say it shouldn’t surprise this site that more than one person in the New York area shares an affinity for Bowie. I mean, my gosh – there might be a dozen of us even! 😉

I remember buying Changes on cassette tape. How old does that make me?!?

Any fun holiday weekend plans?

Lauren

+++++++++++++++++++++

Message from rob_fletcher 
Jan 25, 2010 – 1:35am

ha ha. I’m even more impressed that you list Dan Bern! I first saw him in 1996 on Halloween, opening for Ani DiFranco. Been a big fan ever since. He played an awesome show at music hall of williamsburg last year.

I somehow managed to not have any Bowie on cassette. I think because during my peak cassette buying years (9-14), my tastes ranged from J. Geils Band – Love Stinks and Air Supply – Lost In Love to Anthrax – Among the Living (the first compact disc I bought was I’m the Man by Anthrax). I do own Galaxie 500 and Loop on cassette, though. I’m eclectic! ha ha.

Is this a holiday weekend? Or is it a Michigan thing? Regardless, I did hit up two different friends’ birthday celebrations last night. One was food (a pizza place with a vegan menu in Long Island) and the other was drink (Double Down Saloon, the Library and then The Boiler Room (gay dude bar, because it was gay dude’s birthday – met a 50 year old transvestite who told me about hanging out at Max’s Kansas City, but how he never got to see Johnny Thunders at Irving Plaza his last show because it sold out). I got home at like 4:30 am, and had a job interview today at 1pm. And then a friend had booked a long show today to benefit his uncle’s family to pay for his burial. I am knackered!

How about you?