Hi there *(notice lack of witty subject line or exclamation point)

So yes, genital readers, my previous post entitled “i’ve given up on witty subject lines” was clearly not an empty threat.  So for Christmas, the day we celebrate our lard and savory, Horzak the Wonderfully Colored Plastic Sheep, I give you a funny letter to an unappreciative lass (alas, with a lazy subject line), who might be too tall for me anyway.

She had a lot of funny photos on her profile, too.  I like funny photos that prove a woman can have fun.  If you can’t have fun, we won’t work out.  I don’t take many things seriously.

Hi there
Sent to unrapunzel
17% Enemy 89% Friend 81% Match
Oct. 23, 2008 – 9:18pm

So, I was about to send you a message when my work laptop (my real laptop died a week ago today) freaked out and shut itself down…I don’t know if that means anything, but nevertheless, here I am.

I’d seen your profile a few times before and you seem like a pretty cool gal, at least if you’re half as fun as you think you are (hee hee). I hadn’t messaged you before mostly on the height issue, but you quoted “So I Married An Axe Murderer” in your profile, so I had to bite.

Maybe if you don’t mind having drinks with a guy who is arguably 5’9″ [Yes, Marta, I know how tall I really am, so shut your cakehole – Ed.] and whose hair is either dark brown or black (these are the two biggest debates about me – the awesomeness is unanimous). Oh and I like to do Sean Connery (by way of Celebrity Jeopardy on SNL) impressions, then hit me up on here.

Have a great night,

Zardoz? Wow.

This one is for @matzamafia, because I know how much he is going to love the subject line.  You’re welcome, Jacob.

In this episode, I try a new tactic – bad movie fandom.  Apparently, my mistake was to be overexcited by someone being a fellow bad movie connoisseur.  Perhaps I could have asked what other bad movies she enjoyed.  Is it possible that my tagging of “Zardoz” as a bad movie offended her?  Maybe I could have asked her if she had seen the Raul Julia made-for-PBS extortion scheme “Overdrawn at the Memory Bank” – perhaps the worst-made (post 1980) movie I’ve had the thrill of intaking through my ocular cavities.

Oh, and no thanks to televenrues corp for taking down all you tube footage of Jim Kelly wearing a jetpack in “Black Samurai.”  Fuckers.

If you loved “Pulled pork, whiskey & bob dylan…” you will merely tolerate “Zardoz? Wow.”

Zardoz? Wow.
Sent to iliveinabodybag
17% Enemy 72% Friend 81% Match
Oct. 18, 2008 – 5:01pm

Hey there. I couldn’t help but notice that you love Zardoz. That’s kind of amazing. I’ve only seen it once, on the big screen, after hours at the movie theater my friends work at, after years of being told I needed to see it.

I love doing Sean Connery impressions, especially “The penis is bad. The sword is good.”

 [Editor’s note – Jacob, I’m sure this is slightly inaccurate, much as the words “Play it again, Sam” were not uttered in “Casablanca“]

It’s not the only bad movie I enjoy. One of my favorites of all time is Black Belt Jones. Kung fu and blaxploitation all rolled into one awesome movie with Jim Kelly and Scatman Crothers. Who could ask for anything more?

Anyhow, hope you’re doing well.