charlatans uk (a slight deviation from format)

Okay folks, so this one is slightly different from my normal post (hence why I put a parenthetical in the title), because it was the result of one of those crazy double-blind random message dealies that used to happen on Ok Cupid but doesn’t anymore.  The idea was, and I believe I may have explained it once upon a time, that if you shared similar interests with someone, Ok Cupid would tell you to message a random stranger just because they liked something you liked as well.  So, in theory, if you liked skull-fucking and necromancing, you could message another skull-fucking necromancer sight unseen, later to be replied to, much to your horror and chagrin, by, say, your creepy uncle or some such relative.  Now, the recommendations I received were along the lines of popular music and movies I liked, but that’s only because I’m not into necromancing and skullfuckery (that I’m aware of, anyway – I mean, how do you really know unless you try it?).  I will refer you to this classic post of mine, in which the “Icebreaker” as they called it, told me that the woman in question and I shared these similar interests:  “I think you both like cooking, jew, spoon, stars, and modest mouse.

So, yeah, this lady actually messaged me first, not knowing the freak that lurked behind a shared interest in the Charlatans UK.  So, because I deemed her appealing (sorry that I can no longer link to her profile, since it no longer exists, so I can’t even remember anything about her), I replied in earnest.  Apparently, she either didn’t like what she saw or what she read (or both?), as a response to my response never arrived.  And now she’s gone from Ok Cupid, probably co-habitating with a skinny bearded Bedford Avenue type.  Maybe even one of the dude from that lame band the Drums (who I will say are decent on record, but the live show I saw was so horrendous I walked out after two songs because I couldn’t handle it at all).  Alas, I was genuinely interested in her multiple experiences seeing Meatloaf perform in concert.

charlatans uk
Message from britpoplvr
Mar 9, 2010 – 6:54pm
Sorry, britpoplvr no longer has an account.

hey there –

I’ve been told you also like the charlatans uk. Not many people here do.


Message to britpoplvr
Mar 13, 2010 – 4:30pm

I have to be honest and say that I really only love the first two albums. “White Shirt” is one of my favorite songs ever. Weirdly, when I was working at the MTV Network Operations Center, I was working with some MTV Brasil content, and “White Shirt” was the background music to a weird promo with some dancing furry creature. I couldn’t believe it. But yeah, when they released “Can’t Get Out of Bed” I thought it sounded too much like “I Missed Again” by Phil Collins. I was a much worse music snob back then.

So you’ve really seen Meatloaf multiple times? What was that like?

i’ve got a theory…it could be bunnies*

This one’s for the ladies…well, the Buffy-lovin’ ladies, that is.  Maybe just the dark, curly-haired, political activist ladies with awesome smiles…  What about this letter ISN’T awesome?  Aside from the fact that when mentioning “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” I should have related the anecdote about the time I went to see it at the Carousel Mall in Syracuse and the guy dressed as Dr. Frank N. Furter was wearing a yarmulkeLiam will mostly just take notice that I didn’t mention me singing “Against All Odds” at karaoke.

Seriously, though…I mentioned Buffy, Mystery Science Theater 3000, “Rocky Horror,” the Hulk, NYPIRG (and the fact I only joined it to get into a British woman’s pants), and Robert Guillaume all in one concise email.  And I used the word “cultivate” in regards to my brooding.  This letter should have screamed “JACKPOT!”  I just don’t understand women, I guess.

i’ve got a theory…it could be bunnies
Sent to leftywriterbabe
10% Enemy 85% Friend 88% Match
Jun. 2, 2008 – 2:05am

Hi there,

I’ve thought about writing you several times, but for one reason or another, had not done so. Now that it’s 1:30am and I should try sleeping, I’m going to follow-through.

I will say that you look really cute and your smile (especially in the ferry picture) is simply radiant. I think there are too many people who are seemingly afraid to smile, and while I do try to cultivate the mysterious brooding look about me, standup comedians around town can identify me by my laugh. Also, I see we like a lot of the same pop-culture type things. I think I’ve spent years of my life watching MST3K. In fact, from a friend of mine, I acquired a ton of episodes, including the public access season (stored on my hard drive). Oh and I have been rewatching Buffy from the beginning and just watched Once More With Feeling the other night (I’ve also seen it presented in a movie theater as an experience a la Rocky Horror).

It’s cool that you’re so active in trying to better the world. I’m not really cut out for activism (I care about politics and society’s problems, but it all tends to just get me really upset and turning into the Hulk doesn’t really help further any progressive change), but I did join the nuclear issues group in my college’s chapter of NYPIRG to impress a girl with a British accent when I was 18. I spend most of my time squandering my talents in creative endeavors by wasting time witnessing others’ contributions to music and entertainment instead of making my own, though I am trying to upset that balance by running a small record label and whatnot.

And while it may not come out in this impersonal, late night electronic transmission, I’m really into banter and the back-and-forth, and oftentimes, I delight in moments when there are a few people in a small kitchen chatting while opening and closing a refrigerator, a freezer, a cabinet or three, and whatever doors are in close proximity, so that it seems choreographed, like in a sitcom. When I finally write a screenplay, there will be a scene centered around that. If you haven’t ever seen the show “Sports Night” you really should. It’s one of my favorite shows ever, and I have to rewatch the entire series once every 6 months or so and then get all uppity about how ABC cancelled it so quickly (2nd season) despite all the awards it won (and the fact that Robert Guillaume is the shit).

I’m rambling now. So hello and goodnight.


*I actually have an update for this one as of April 4th, 2010.  On that day, in between stints driving around Long Island with my pal Mike, looking for crazy weird stuff, I stopped to check my email and Facebook, and my Ok Cupid account had an email.  I opened it and it was from none other than leftywriterbabe!  It was a really long, well-thought-out letter explaining why she hadn’t responded to my initial letter, nearly TWO YEARS ago.  The short version is this:

“Bunnies aren’t just cute like everybody supposes.  You know what else isn’t cute? Me, not writing back to the personalized, thoughtful message eons ago. Anyway, just wanted to say hi, and come clean about why I didn’t reply: I’m pretty sure I never saw it.”

She then goes on to sum up the past 22 months that elapsed betwixt contacts.  So I write her back.  She says she’s trying to finish up a book and needs to meet her deadline, but once that is done, maybe we could get together.

“But if by some chance you’re not still annoyed that I didn’t write back when you originally sent this note, and you feel like grabbing a cupcake (I’d suggest coffee, but really, aren’t cupcakes more fun?) or catch an improv show at the UCB at some point, I’d be open to that.”

I’d really love to post the whole letter, but not enough time has passed since the most recent letter I sent her to which she hasn’t responded (I’m sensing a pattern at work, here).  Anyhow, she came across as witty and cute and it would be nice if something did come out of it.  After all, I had already come clean about the blog, to which she said:

“Since you didn’t post my picture or real name to your blog, and you didn’t say anything particularly snide… nope, you didn’t scare me off.”

However, I’m beginning to fear that the old storyteller syndrome is destroying my chances with this one.  I’ll write her one more time very soon.

not just writing this to gain activity points

Hey there, dear readers!  Hope your Monday doesn’t suck too much.  I slept through most of mine, so as to avoid the suckness factor.  Unfortunately, I slept so late that I’m going to miss my favorite Monday night activity, namely the comedy show Tell Your Friends, produced by Liam McEneaney and Jessica Flores. If you go there, tell Liam that J-Ro sent you.

This particular entry requires some prologue action, so here goes.

I was really struggling with the morality at risk in posting this letter, because, truth be told, while this letter itself did not receive a response, I later met this beautiful young lady in person accidentally through a mutual friend who has shouted out this blog.  She had a boyfriend at the time, which was a bummer, because she was quite charming.  I later came across her profile again when she was newly re-single, racked my brain over whether I had already written her (I had, but couldn’t find the letter, which is the one below) and also, why she seemed so familiar (I am a dumbass).

She and I are now friends on Facebook and even though I haven’t heard from her in a few months, I wouldn’t be surprised if she stumbled upon this blog.  I really only decided to post this series of letters because her OkCupid profile is no longer active.  [Update – just found out today that the profile is indeed active.  oops! I have edited her screenname and unlinked her profile, until she defriends me – Ed.]

Anyhow, having somehow not found the letter I sent her, I sent her a new letter.  Because this is my blog, I can do what I want, and I want to include the letter that DID get a response (and parts of what she wrote me, because it’s funny.  I am not including ANY of the personal information, because I am not a complete asshole), and parts of my response.

Anyhow, a little background on this mystery woman’s profile:  she had several photos of her doing drunk karaoke, and I was really into that.  Hence the mention of karaoke (making a repeat appearance from “Hi There!“) Phil Collins.

Since this is my most ambitious post to date, I am going to write some more details in between letters, so I hope you can keep up.  And remember, you can leave comments here (I went through an extra five minutes of trouble to get the coding to make it so).  Just click on the little thing that says “0 Comments” (until someone comments, in which case it will be 0 plus whatever amount of comments there really are) and let me know how you feel.

This is the original letter I sent that received no response:

not just writing this to gain activity points
Sent to pr@fgr#$nt*^
23% Enemy 76% Friend 75% Match
May 31, 2008 – 4:21pm

Hi there, I’ve been meaning to write you a message for about a week, but I’ve been too tired once home to think of anything meaningful to say. I still can’t think of anything meaningful to say, but I don’t like to let things linger too long unattended, I suppose, which is weird for someone as lazy as I am to say.

Nevertheless, your profile popped up one day when I was perusing this site and I must say I was intrigued. I liked the style in the writing sample you have in your journal, and I’m still looking for someone cute to talk, drink, think and laugh with. And possibly karaoke. I was recently seen at the trash bar ripping it up to “Against All Odds” as if someone poured rubbing alcohol into that empty space.

So yeah, if you’re curious about a guy who would be described as eccentric if he had tons of money and likes to write songs, has been working on a book for 5 years and is trying to be a standup comedian while having a day job and trying to run a record label, then drop a line.

you can view some words I typed here:

In the meantime, i hope you are having a good weekend.


Here is the letter I sent almost 7 months later, after having actually met her in person.  Good job, Jake.


message from an insomniac
Sent Dec. 15, 2008 – 4:08am

Hi there!

You definitely seem like the right person to take out for drunk karaoke!

I don’t normally use so many exclamation points.


 It’s 4am and I have to move my car in 5 1/2 hours before going to work…

This is not my best writing. For that, I apologize. Perhaps I can make it up to you if you respond to this letter.

Meanwhile, I should go to sleep.

take care,

PS you are totally cute and I realize I am ridiculous. And I have the stories to back this claim up.

Now here is her response.  But hey, at least this time I GOT a response! I have italicized it so you guys can differentiate.


Sent Dec. 15, 2008 – 10:03am


I guess my pictures really don’t look like me, because evidently you don’t recognize me!

I met you at Soundfix a couple of weeks ago. We both know Liam McEneaney.


Oops!  So, having sufficiently made myself look like an ass, but perhaps just enough to make her feel insecure enough to respond to me (because all those douchebag Pickup Artist types always tell you to get a woman interested by a backhanded compliment.  So, I guess, not recognizing a woman you called cute is kind of like that), I try to make it up.  Here is my edited response.


Sent Dec. 15, 2008 – 12:56pm

Holy crap! (Name withdrawn)!  I looked at your profile and thought for sure I had totally messaged you on here before, but could find no proof of ever doing so, but you looked so familiar it was killing me. You know, aside from the fact that I once before DID try to message you but failed to come up with any words as lame as what I sent you at 4am this morning.

Well, at least now I know why! You totally look like your photos, except for the whole being in 3 dimensions thing. And now, aside from my case of mental retardation, it isn’t awkward, because we’ve actually met in person. I did not lie when I told you I was ridiculous.

Um, yeah, so that night I thought you had a boyfriend or something?  Or I am just crazy.  I stand by my earlier statement about you being totally cute. And now that I’ve blown it by confusing real life and the internets, are you going to any comedy shows this week?  Like Liam’s Darfur benefit tonight?

oh and if you do want to still talk to me again, you can find me at (email address withdrawn).


She then sent me a response detailing the saga of the boyfriend thing and that was the end of our Ok Cupid volley.  We then became Facebook friends and once in a while she pops up at a comedy show I’m at.

If you enjoyed this blog, leave a comment below and tell your friends!


Hi There!

Dear loyal readers (and new friends),

Here is yet another attempt by me at brevity.  My friend Christine, who has been enjoying these letters, mentioned that the consistent theme of them all so far seem to be that they are hard to respond to by nature, and I don’t ask a lot of questions.  She may be right.  Usually I try to point out something in the woman’s profile and then run with it.  You know, try to find something we’re both into and talk about it (usually typing too many words, and I imagine that some of these letters just make the intended’s eyes glaze over until the head hits the keyboard and the message gets deleted).  I can’t remember anything about this girl or why I told her about my awesome karaoke stylings, but seriously, who wouldn’t want to at least hang out with a dude who can belt out “Against All Odds” without being totally hammered?  I mean, I would at least hang out with a guy just to see it.

NOTE:  Unlike the previous recipients, this young lady’s profile is still active and the link works.  It appears she is seeing someone, is 5′ 10″, lives in Queens and likes to run.  I don’t know why I messaged her.  Also, she’s on a healthy lifestyle kick, so that would explain not writing me back, since I am on a moderately-paced train to mildly overweight middle-age and would be surprised if I lived past 70.

So enjoy!  And please, tell your friends and start following me.  My twitter is up above.

Happy Hannukah!

Hi there!
Sent to itsbelinda
13% Enemy 79% Friend 85% Match
Mar. 29, 2008 – 6:41pm

Hi, I just saw you on here and I have to say you seem really cool. I’m definitely intrigued. I’m just gonna keep this short and simple and not give in to my propensity for babbling.

i will tell you this about myself: last night after my friend’s band played a show, the bar had karaoke and I got up and sang “Against All Odds” and I wasn’t even drunk. I mean, I had had several drinks, but, not drunk. Oh, and it was awesome.

take care,

[it should be noted that this was a long time before OkCupid implemented their new “Icebreakers” thingy, which basically finds random words/phrases in both profiles, and then uses these to prompt lazier lurkers to write a note to someone whose profile hasn’t been thoroughly read yet based on this “Cliff’s Notes” approach — I recently received a message from a young lady whom OkCupid had mislead to think that I was a fan of ice-skating, when in actuality my profile says:

“I am afraid to go ice-skating because I’m a clutz, and I fear that if I were to fall down (a very likely prospect), my fingers might get sliced off by a rogue skater. However, the idea of ice-skating looks like it could be a romantic couple activity, so if I met the right girl, I would like to learn to ice skate. Maybe I will wait until she and I are engaged or otherwise inextricably entangled so that if I did lose a finger or more, she couldn’t leave me so I wouldn’t have to try to pick up girls with a hook for a hand (a la Buster Bluth).

So you can see that it is not exactly foolproof.  Anyhow, according to this program, we should bone each other because “I think you both like cooking, spaceballs, assassination vacation, modest mouse, and ween.”  And that’s good enough for me!]