So, in the roughly two and a half years I have been unsuccessfully navigating the OK Cupid seas, looking for that elusive fish that wants to swim upstream and spawn with me (forgive me for carrying a metaphor across state lines), I have read articles and blog entries (some by OK Cupid staff members) about how to maximize your results and whatnot, even though it’s all bullshit anyhow.*

*According to this survey, I need to sleep with about 7 more people before September 16th, 2010 to be average (survey says “I’m fucked (for not being fucked enough).

I violated at least one of the principles covered in these “studies” in the second sentence of this letter.  I showed my hand and told her she was cute.  That is a no-no.  Apparently, you should only compliment a woman you don’t know on her brains or personality, which you no doubt should be able to gather from a cursory perusal of some silly online dating profile.  Not that mine doesn’t portray someone who takes being funny too seriously and perhaps comes across a little too edgy.  I should amend that, actually.  But yes, you’re not supposed to say a woman you’ve only seen photos of is cute.

Tempts me to write a girl and say “You look like a trainwreck, but my goodness, I really like all the same things, and even though you repulse me to the point of uncontrollable dick shivers, maybe we can look beyond the surface and I am pretty sure I can buy a penis blindfold.”  At least I have learned from past mistakes not to tell someone that she is “perfect on paper.”

Just in case you’re wondering if I really did that, yes, I really did that!  To this girl, here.  If you’ve never made a grown woman who has just started taking an anti-depressant and can no longer drink alcohol exclaim “Jesus, I need a beer!” while you awkwardly sip water as she gets up and runs out of a crowded Ukrainian restaurant so nobody sees her crying, while you sit there stunned, full of pierogies and remorse, I wouldn’t recommend it.

I mean, it makes a great story, but it’s MY story and now that I’ve told you that, you can’t be a copycat heart-murderer.  I wish I could access the blog she wrote about what an asshole I am, but her Myspace is set to private and we aren’t friends on there, for some reason.  I knew I should have copied it while I had the chance.  All I remember is that it says that some guy (me) was a jerk and that her friends offered to TP my house (but I lived in an apartment building, so I don’t see how that would have worked).  As a result, I have never attempted to go back to Duke’s on Avenue C, even though she apparently lives in Little Rock, Arkansas now.  I have women who hate me scattered all over this great land.  I once managed to affect a girl enough so that she dropped out of college in upstate NY and moved to California just because she knew how much she liked me, but would never leave her boyfriend after his mother died.  But that’s another story I may one day tell…

Oh, and the magic Icebreaker has figured out exactly  what I am looking for in a woman… “I think you both like music, better off dead, radiohead, coffee, and eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.”  It might as well say “This woman has a pulse and clearly is under the age of 65.  Why don’t you go for it?”

how to recognize trees from quite a long way away
Sent to silent_alarm_
Jan. 12, 2009 – 2:53am
16% Enemy 84% Friend 82% Match

Hi.  I came across your profile and you seem pretty cool.  You’re definitely cute and like a lot of cool things.  A photo playing bass doesn’t hurt, either (having come of age in the era of indie-rock bands with awesome female bassists)…

I should warn you that pretty much all of my conversations include references to Monty Python and The Kids In the Hall, and even though it isn’t even one of my favorite trilogies, I somehow wind up making a lot of Star Wars references. I really wish i knew why that was.

Nevertheless, I am looking for someone I can grab a cup of coffee with and take to some cultural events (I haven’t been going to see as many films as I would like lately). Drop a line back if this sounds good.