I’m just going to go out on a limb here

Dearest ladies and gentlemen,

In the interest of getting enough sleep for work tomorrow and full of desire to show, not tell, I’m going to keep the introduction paragraphs brief this week.  I don’t know if this means I have run out of things to say, or if I merely don’t feel like making fun of myself tonight, but I suppose we shall see when I post again.  In the meantime, I’ll just set this one up and be on my merry way to slumber.

There’s no surprise here as to why I didn’t get a response.  As my message indicates, this young lady was looking for a gainfully employed man, while I was in the midst of being painfully unemployed.  Apparently, I was unable to make up for it with my awesome lobster claw lamp ownage, dead grandfathers and admitting to feeling human.  I guess she was looking for a cyborg that doesn’t dole out compliments in the very first line of an email to a stranger.

I’m just going to go out on a limb here
Sent to whatsthebest
Feb 14, 2010 – 3:43am
Sorry, whatsthebest no longer has an account.

and say flat out that you are probably the most adorable woman on here that I’ve seen.

I know that you’re looking for someone who has a job, but the economy and my former employer didn’t seem to want me to have one. So, I’m looking for a job, and writing my book while I look. I also started playing music with a friend and am trying to get back into DJing. I’m resuming my radio show (a college station out in Long Island) after a 2 1/2 year hiatus, so that’s exciting. After a bit of a break from things, I’m finally starting to feel human again.

Also, I can cook. I just made a really good roasted potato and fennel dish that I’m excited about. I am new to fennel and I am totally psyched on it.

So yeah, I know you’re busy with school and stuff and may not have time for a bum like me, but you should also know that I have a lamp made out of a giant lobster claw that I inherited from my Grandpa, that belonged to my Great-grandfather. I am going to rewire it because last time I plugged it in, it kind of almost started a fire. Luckily, I am handy like that.

I don’t know who I’m trying to convince of my worth here. Oh well, here goes nothing.

take care,

to prove that I don’t take anything too seriously

It’s currently midnight on a Sunday, and I’m watching “Supernatural” on the DVR, when I should be updating this blog while sleeping.  I have work at 9am, but I feel like if I don’t do this now, I will only set the stage for more slacking off in the future.  As much as I love sleep, I have come to realize that my commitment to the written (and/or typed) word will almost always trump sleep.  Hell, if I had sick days at this job, I would take one to work on some of my book, as well as the essay I’m writing about how Sonic Youth‘s video for “Dirty Boots” ruined my expectations for romantic love at the dawn of the Grunge Era.  I’d been wanting to write it for awhile, but with the recent Thurston Moore/Kim Gordon split, it seems timely.  Of course, by the time I actually finish it, it will be old hat.

So now it’s a little after 1am and I am trying to focus harder by listening to Reading, Writing and Arithmetic by The Sundays.  It takes me back to a simpler time, when I was about 16, blue, and I had a crush on some cute English singer in a band whom I would never meet; but that slim chance was equal to the lack of action I was experiencing with the girls in my high school as the 80s were fleeting into the rearview mirror and senior year was rapidly approaching, complete with the promise of getting the hell out of this one horse town (actually, our town had at least one stable, so we had more than just one horse in a literal sense, but, aside from a brief period of time in 1991-1992, we had zero record stores, but nobody ever says “I had to leave that none record store town”).

Back then, I had no idea that I was being primed for a life of seeing things differently than other people, that I was going to be on the fringes of groups of friends forever, like a talentless James Joyce – always observing and writing, but never quite belonging to a circle the way everyone else seems to, but yet never NOT belonging.  I guess that makes me kind of like an electron.  I bounce from group to group, and while, never rejected and even accepted, I just always feel like an outsider.  Most of the time, I don’t mind.  But once in a while, the need to feel a close and lasting bond to another human being not related to you gets strong.  And that’s where these letters come in.  While I know deep down that the odds of me finding lasting and true love from a free dating website are low, I’m just enough of a hopeless romantic to at least give it a try.  And then I write something like the letter below.

What I will say in my defense in regards to this particular letter, is that at least I pointed out to the young woman what parts were me being funny (on purpose), as opposed to the trainwreck conversation from a few months ago where the young lady had no idea what the fuck I was talking about.  I’m just kind of bummed that I didn’t get to post this before the profile was deleted.  I wish I could remember what she looked like, since I made the mistake of showing my cards and complimenting her looks, which as we all now know from the overlords of OK Cupid and their little OK Trends blog, is a turn-off.  I’m good at those.  Someone somewhere, I’m convinced, has a list of turn-offs that include my name.

to prove that I don’t take anything too seriously
Sent to _ariadne
Feb 11, 2010 – 2:46am
Sorry, _ariadne no longer has an account

I am going to tell the truth and say that when I read your three adjectives, my first thought was “I’d like to insert something witty, alright.”

But then I figured that was a bad idea, but if I have learned anything in this life, it’s that you should stick to your guns. Then again, my default photo is of me behind the stairs eating pizza.

Seriously, though, you like a lot of the same things I do, and you totally seem like the kind of woman I would like to get drinks with and talk about life and philosophy and get fondue with (I’ve never had fondue or ice-skated). Is it funny that the girl who grew up in Saudi Arabia has ice-skated but the guy who grew up 5 minutes from an ice rink has not? I played a lot of street hockey, but never on skates of either variety.

Oh and the first paragraph wasn’t me trying to be funny. the second paragraph, however, was. Also, allow me to close this letter by saying that you look absolutely radiant in your photos.

Look forward to chatting with you,

do you know people who mock you for liking Python?

Wow, it’s been way too long since I last posted here.  I started working on this one right after the previous post, but I guess I got side-tracked.  Things have been pretty hectic, but in a good way.  I’ve been spending my weekdays working for a total psychopath (I would say that to describe him as being a retarded 4-year old with ADHD and Tourette’s would be not only an understatement, but an insult to 4-year olds with Down Syndrome.  So, to them, I apologize) in a warehouse, sorting CDs and DVDs all day long.  Then, I come home and mostly just pass out.  Or go to shows and bars and host my radio show (alternate Wednesday nights from 8-10pm on 90.1 FM WUSB — you can even listen online!) and not sleep enough.  Somewhere in there, I’m working on my book, too.  But enough with the petty excuses already!  On with the show…

I just figure that I wasn’t serious enough (either as a Jew or a jewman being) for this young lady.  Which is too bad.  I still don’t know why I don’t have better luck with sarcastic, tiny women.  I mean, you would think that I’m giant enough for them.  But no, they always seem to want guys that they can blow without kneeling.  As someone who is intimidated by tall women, I don’t get it.  Why can’t we just do a “Weird Science” and make a clone of Alyson Hannigan fall in love with me already?  Even if the clone has a wonky eye, I’ll be okay with it.  Or maybe I just need to actually be funny.  It seems my attempts at wit fall flat, so maybe I should just do stupid funny.  I’m guessing that after a few months of letters like this one, she decided to close up shop, bite the bullet and pay for J-Date.

 do you know people who mock you for liking Python?
Sent to lotus2177
Feb 11, 2010 – 12:51am
Sorry, lotus2177 no longer has an account.

because if so, they are not worth talking to.  There was a two year period where I pretty much didn’t think it was funny unless it had a british accent.

I got my picture taken with Terry Jones this summer.  I was actually tongue-tied.  Doesn’t happen very often.

I think the weirdest britcom moment for me was when I found a blog that discusses Roy’s shirts on The IT Crowd.  And that I want them all.  Especially the music venn diagram.

so how seriously jewish are you?  I am not very religious, but I have strong beliefs, and identify strongly as jewish, culturally and stuff. But I love bacon and shellfish.

oh and hello!  I didn’t say that at first.  I’m Jake and I have a penchant for short jewish redheads who like Britcoms, trivia and sarcasm.

imaginary friends and their imaginary ends

I know it’s been over a month, but in that month, I have left Austin (a week earlier than planned, for a job interview in St. Petersburg), spent two weeks in the St. Pete/Tampa area of Florida with my best friend, discovered we cannot live together, drove back to Long Island (which is where I kind of realized I wanted to be before I left Texas), got and quit a job at a self-serve froyo shop and was nudged back into online broadcasting again by my erstwhile partner-in-radio-crime to spin tunes for the third incarnation of what was once my college radio show (self-promotion alert – Taco Wagon v3.0), and is now my second webcasting station.

Anyhow, I am now back in/on Long Island, actively seeking viable employment, but also looking for shits and giggles and kicks and chicks.  I was really bummed at the time that I never heard back from this girl  She seemed pretty much tailor-made to be found in my dark alley at 2am.  I guess you can’t win ’em all, although, sometimes, it’s nice just to be nominated.  For the record, the story below is entirely true.  Perhaps one day soon I can be arsed to scan the original poem and link it on here somewhere.  For now, you just have to imagine for yourself a poem that uses the word “schlemiel” in it.

imaginary friends and their imaginary ends
Sent to ohjulhiea
Feb 8, 2010 – 2:41am
8% Enemy 86% Friend 90% Match

Hi there,

I enjoyed your Seppo anecdote and since I don’t know you yet, thought that I should share my imaginary friend story with you.

My imaginary friend was named Herman. And he only seemed to be around so I had someone to blame for things being broken. And then one day, he got hit by a car and died. I always thought I was a morbid kid because of that. I felt especially bad about it after “Drop Dead Fred” came out and I thought about Herman being in that weird limbo for the outgrown imaginary friends. In college, we had to write a poem in the shape of something, so I wrote a poem called “Herman’s Tombstone” in the shape of a tombstone, where I mentioned that he wasn’t so much an invisible friend as he was an invisible schlemiel.

I enjoy a lot of things not pertaining to imaginary friends as well, but figured I could start in a weird place first, get it out of the way.

Hope you had non-imaginary fun this weekend (but not too much).

Wow, you crack me the fuck up!

Hello folks (to steal a line from my friend, the great JFOD)!  It’s July 3rd and I have no life and am 1800 miles from most of my friends and family on a self-imposed exile that was supposed to make me feel better about myself.  It’s almost working.  However, living in a city where it’s like 100 degrees everyday makes it hard for me to want to take long walks, since I don’t like to die of heat stroke on a daily basis.  I’m really glad I moved here in time for summer.

In the “other decisions I almost immediately regretted” department, I recently sent an email to a young lady whose profile seemed hi-larious (and perhaps a little too well thought-out to be very social) while stone cold sober (clearly a mistake), and was met with all sorts of confusion and awkwardness, but not in a good way.  Overall, though, I like how she thought the first message was sarcastic, but didn’t get the sarcasm of the sarcastic message.  Or have any understanding of the concept of home recording.

She might as well have said “I am not nearly as funny as my profile indicates.  In fact, I am pretty much retarded and have no comprehension of the fact that my profile references the song “Kiss Off” by Violent Femmes and that people use machines to record music and say things by talking.  Why would anyone compliment me for something I wrote on the internet?  I have no self-esteem and view every single word someone throws at me as if they were flinging poo from their monkey cage.  Please do not ever message me, for I cannot carry on a text-based conversation in a world without a font for sarcasm.”

But I will let you judge for yourself.  I have included every back-and-forth.  I will refrain from posting her username for now.  But here is the entire conversation.  I have italicized her responses to make it hopefully less confusing for you, the reader.  Hard to believe it all happened within the span of 27 minutes.  I think that will be my new movie script for Hollywood.  If you steal it, I will come after you. Enjoy!

Sent to Jxllyrxgxd
Jul 3, 2011 – 7:49pm
16% Enemy  72% Friend  82% Match

Wow, you crack me the fuck up!

Also, props for referencing a Violent Femmes song that isn’t “Blister In The Sun.” I have a mixtape from freshman year of college (1991) that has “Blister In The Sun” on it and I want to go back in time and tell 17 year old me that I will regret it later. And to put “Country Death Song” on the mix instead.

I have nothing interesting to say. I moved to Austin to fuck around on my 4-track cassette and finish old songs, but I plugged it in today and it’s broken! after driving it 2800 miles!

Have a shpedonkle day!

Jul 3, 2011 – 7:51pm

  • I can’t tell what parts of your message aren’t meant to be sarcastic… if any…


Jul 3, 2011 – 7:54pm

surprisingly, none of it.  Sorry about that.  For some reason, I’m not feeling sarcastic today.  I should get that checked out.


Jul 3, 2011 – 7:55pm

  • You moved to Austin to fuck around?


Jul 3, 2011 – 7:58pm

yes. i moved away from brooklyn to be a manwhore because I used up the hipster girl populace. all of it.

and we’re back. phew. I got worried for a minute.


Jul 3, 2011 – 8:00pm

  • Well, that sounds grand. Good luck with your fuckery.


Jul 3, 2011 – 8:05pm

I thought we were a doing a bit. you say i am not being sarcastic enough, so I go to plaid and…oh well.


Jul 3, 2011 – 8:10pm

  • I didn’t say that you weren’t being sarcastic enough, I was just curious if your first message was written in sarcasm, since it seemed to have been. Honestly I have no idea what you’re saying, and I’m sort of assuming you’re drunk.. perhaps?


Jul 3, 2011 – 8:16pm

i am totally not drunk. and there was no sarcasm in the original message. the one about manwhoring was sarcasm. when i said i came to austin to fuck around on my 4-track, i was talking about a device that records music. and it’s broken. and the purpose of my leaving ny was to get away and work on finishing old recordings.

sorry if that was confusing. i’ll leave you to your regularly scheduled programming now.

david bowie

Okay, so, I was originally going to post this as a bonus post THREE MONTHS ago, but clearly that did not happen.  I guess I got sidetracked by posting on Tiffany’s Open Letters blog and then the buildup to leaving New York and the two week roadtrip that ensued.  Followed by my being a lazy asshole drinking and sleeping on my friend Maddi’s couch for ten days before living in a motel and finally finding a sublet.  Anything else I say is just excuses.  And I was doing so good at updating weekly, too.  Oh well…

So yes, I have moved to Austin, Texas.  The land of abundant food trucks, Tex-Mex, BBQ, Longhorns, live music and shitty pizza and Chinese food.  It is also home to Lone Star beer, which is cheap, plentiful and fairly drinkable.  Except for the fact that I seem to be allergic to it, like I am with many wheat beers as well.  It is like some weird sort of Jew Hell to inhabit a land where you can’t drink the cheapest beverage.

This young lady has since moved to Chicago, which may explain why she didn’t respond to me.  Or, she really hates Air Supply cassettes!  Also, it should be noted that this message she sent me was a result of that “Mystery Match” bullshit thing that like randomly finds someone who likes something you like and then says “Doucheboy10 also enjoys jumping the shark.  You should message them and if they reply, you will get to see their profile.”  It’s like the Rob Gordon-omatic of dating sites.  I never use it because I am too afraid of emailing a random woman who likes “Spaceballs” or something.

david bowie
Message from laurenzo44
Jan 24, 2010 – 5:12pm
29% Enemy 65% Friend 71% Match

I have to say it shouldn’t surprise this site that more than one person in the New York area shares an affinity for Bowie. I mean, my gosh – there might be a dozen of us even! 😉

I remember buying Changes on cassette tape. How old does that make me?!?

Any fun holiday weekend plans?



Message from rob_fletcher 
Jan 25, 2010 – 1:35am

ha ha. I’m even more impressed that you list Dan Bern! I first saw him in 1996 on Halloween, opening for Ani DiFranco. Been a big fan ever since. He played an awesome show at music hall of williamsburg last year.

I somehow managed to not have any Bowie on cassette. I think because during my peak cassette buying years (9-14), my tastes ranged from J. Geils Band – Love Stinks and Air Supply – Lost In Love to Anthrax – Among the Living (the first compact disc I bought was I’m the Man by Anthrax). I do own Galaxie 500 and Loop on cassette, though. I’m eclectic! ha ha.

Is this a holiday weekend? Or is it a Michigan thing? Regardless, I did hit up two different friends’ birthday celebrations last night. One was food (a pizza place with a vegan menu in Long Island) and the other was drink (Double Down Saloon, the Library and then The Boiler Room (gay dude bar, because it was gay dude’s birthday – met a 50 year old transvestite who told me about hanging out at Max’s Kansas City, but how he never got to see Johnny Thunders at Irving Plaza his last show because it sold out). I got home at like 4:30 am, and had a job interview today at 1pm. And then a friend had booked a long show today to benefit his uncle’s family to pay for his burial. I am knackered!

How about you?

hi, i saw your default photo and…

Damn, so this is another one I wish I had posted sooner.  As a result of my delays, I don’t have a photo to show you of a girl with a giant coffee mug obscuring her face (well, here’s one that’s not the girl I wrote to).  Just one of me with a giant coffee mug obscuring my face… Anyhow, if you don’t know by now, I am posting EVERY email I sent that garnered no response, usually in chronological order.  Since I put the time stamp in every letter I post, you can do all sorts of quantitative studies about the peaks and valleys of when I am most prolific (here’s a hint:  it usually is after 11pm and involves drinking).  Hell, you can make pie charts and Venn Diagrams* if you wish!  Or weird charts I don’t know the names of, like this one.

This one exhibits a short and sweet approach, and I can’t imagine why I never heard back.  Also, please note that the 0% match percentages have been replaced by “Sorry, x no longer has an account.” So from now on, so will my posts.  Oh and happy PI day!

hi, i saw your default photo and…
Sent to flightofthe
Oct 12, 2009 – 4:33pm
(Sorry, flightofthe no longer has an account.)

it reminded me of the 2nd photo on my profile.

I thought our photos should get to know each other, since they clearly like faces being obscured by big ass coffee mugs.

Hope you’re having a good day and drinking from a giant mug (I was drinking from a regular sized Ministry of Silly Walks mug today)!

*Please buy me this shirt, size L.  Thanks!

Hi there! (super-original subject line, drunk Jake of the past)

Now, this one is perplexing to me as to why I didn’t get a response.  Not sure if it’s because at the time I may have checked the box for casual sex, or if not that, then the fact that perhaps I didn’t have my shit together?  I did write her three months after my shit was made untogether by outside forces.  Oh wait, it’s because I told her she was cute!!  I forgot that you’re not allowed to say that…

And now that I am checking her profile, and she mentions taking a sketch-comedy writing class at UCB, I’m just like “WTF???”  I was taking one at the PIT when I wrote her!  Everyone who reads this should message this girl to tell her that shit together or not, I am better than any other man she will find on this site who isn’t me (sorry to my friends who are also single men on here, but you know it’s true in this case).  Although, she is a Gemini, and those bitches are flat out nuts (don’t deny it Gemini ladies, you’ve trifled with me before and you run hot and cold like a freaking Moen)…

But seriously, it’s just not enough to be awesome in your own mind for some women, you gotta have a job or a fancy car or like a tattoo of a dragon on your face.  Nothing says “My life is exactly where I want it to be!” than this face! That is just a level of self-assuredness that I, as a super-neurotic Jew, can never achieve in eight lifetimes.

I’d also like to post an editor’s note that last week, I was mistaken in my attribution of a particular look to the lady emailed in that post.  The woman I described is still on okcupid, and that letter will be featured soon.  I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.  I have also posted this note on last week’s post, so sorry if you are reading it twice.  No, you know what?  I’m not sorry.  Read it twice!  Anyhow, this girl is still kind of cute, even though she is nearly two years older than when I wrote to her.  Also, I am a lot more sober than when I wrote to her, I am certain.

Hi there!
Sent to flickergrl
Sep 30, 2009 – 3:34am
21% Enemy 82% Friend 87% Match


I clicked on your profile because you recently visited mine. I was trying to figure out why the match percentage was so low, because so much of what you put in your profile jibes with my philosophies.

especially about being a jaded new yorker, but still a hopeless romantic at heart and just wanting to find a best friend you can’t keep your hands off of. I seem to find either one or the other.

You seem really cute and fun and maybe you’d want to hang out and see if we can’t be cute and fun together?

I like a lady

Okay, so I remember exactly what this lady looked like, if I remember correctly.*  Pretty sure she was the one with a photo of her on the hood of a vintage auto, with cat glasses frames, a pink cardigan and her hair pinned back.  Kind of a 50’s pin-up librarian look going on.  I was definitely into that.  If I recall correctly, she was an 83% match.  I don’t remember the friends vs enemies percentages, but I’m thinking something like 89% friend, 11% enemy.  As I read this checklist (letter doesn’t really do the term “letter” justice), I feel as though there was no personality conveyed at all.  So, yeah, I would give myself a D (for Disappointing) on this message.  She was definitely within reason for not responding.  Also, I think she may have been about 5’7″ or so with a penchant for heels, and even though I can be a heel myself, I am maybe 5’8″ on a good day.

Nevertheless, it can’t really hurt to just respond to a guy who isn’t asking you to crush bugs in socks, or whatever it is those pervs with no shirts on in their photos are into…Nevertheless, the way things are going in my life right now, I feel like changing my entire profile so that it basically says “I have no job, no money and nothing to offer.  If you are looking to fix a broken man, drop me a line.”  I think I might actually do better with that than the novel on my profile now, and it would definitely get more responses than any of these letters.  Especially since I’m not really in a position right now to really care about someone else, because I am trying to get my own shit back together.  I’m not really letting you guys take a look behind the curtain, but just kind of putting the perspective onto it.

Or maybe she just wanted a science writer who wears fedoras.  If so, then I could never please her.  Well, I promised myself that I wouldn’t let myself go eat this until I posted a blog tonight.  Mission accomplished!

I like a lady
Sent to hvnly3c
Jan. 14, 2009 – 1:40am
% Enemy % Friend % Match

with red hair and a firm handshake….

wearing socks is also a plus.

i’m drinking a Brooklyn Black Chocolate Stout as I write this…

but yeah, I am this guy:
beard – check
You like to read – currently reading “The Wordy Shipmates”
You enjoy art, writing and/or science (I write)
You like “Six Feet Under” – check
You like to drink GOOD beer – check and mate
You like hats (but yet I don’t have a hat face)
You are single – check

hope you’re enjoying a good beer right now as well…


* [Editor’s note:  I did not remember correctly, as it appears I was mistaken in my attribution of a particular look to the lady emailed in this post.  The woman I described is still on okcupid, and that letter will be featured soon.  I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.]

math and being blonde

What’s got two thumbs and types with his feet planted firmly in mouth?  This guy (pointing to self)!  This may just be my most self-explanatory letter in terms of not getting a response.  I mean, you’d have to be reaching deep down into your fish barrel to want to reply to this asshole.  Sadly, this asshole is me.  At least this letter had personality, albeit a little bit off…

math and being blonde
Sent to EffingEh
Jan. 14, 2009 – 1:24am
% Enemy % Friend % Match

aren’t those contradictions?
says the guy who is only good at english and being a brunette.
oh like you haven’t heard that before.
boxed wine is the only wine i’ve ever gotten drunk on.*

*note:  this statement is patently untrue if you count Manischewitz Concord Grape as wine.  I once brought a bottle to a party (hey, it was $8 and I’m a cheap Jew) and proceeded to drink pretty much the entire thing myself.  I became something of a folk hero at that party…until I couldn’t stop puking Manschewitz Concord Grape all over the lawn