so, one idea I had was to create a Metrognome

As promised, here is this week’s bonus post (hooray!), to take your mind off of the worst email/letter a woman has gotten from me on what I failed to realize was Valentine’s Day (I seriously just noticed this fact while scrolling through the file of all my entries this very moment)!!  An even better reason for her to have not responded.  I might as well have sent an email saying “Hey there, what has two thumbs and is single on Valentine’s Day and sitting on one of said thumbs because he’s super lonely?  This guy (I can send you a photo of me pointing at myself with my thumbs if you haven’t slit your own throat after reading this if you like)!”  Sometimes I wish I was as good at business stuff or following through on goals and dreams as I am at making fun of myself.  If self-deprecation was an Olympic event, I would probably get disqualified for juicing (on bile).  I should point out, for the record, that I am not self-loathing.  I think I am a spazz and a cartoon character in a human being’s body, but I don’t hate myself.  Most of the time, I think I’m pretty damn awesome.  And judging from the amount of women I have dated who have moved as far away from me as possible, I am way too fucking charming.  I haven’t done a final tally, but I think I have ex-girlfriends in ten states.

This post is a break from routine, as there was a response, albeit brief and never followed up on.  Too bad.  Oh well, c’est la vie… especially my la vie.  Misplaced energy is all I am good at producing.  I mean, I know that I can’t sit around and wait for things to happen, and I have to make my own luck.  So, hey, I’m trying.

And lastly, in the “oh shit, someone already made this” department, my plans to make and sell Metro-gnomes have been thwarted by another!

so, one idea I had was to create a Metrognome
Mar 3, 2010 – 3:56am
Sent to rosebud-tastic
23% Enemy  75% Friend  70% Match


I really didn’t know what to put in the subject line, but thought that this might pique your interest. I’ll let you figure out what a metrognome is (you seem pretty, witty and bright from your profile, so I’m confident you’ll figure me out). Basically, I have been spending a lot of time thinking about words that end in nome so that I can make them end in gnome. Like, if I could draw at all, I would want to make a cartoon called “David the Gastro-Gnome” voiced by Tom Bosley. Basically, David just goes around reviewing restaurants and having adventures.


I don’t want to ramble too much in this missive, but I like the cut of your jib, specifically how you reference “Say Anything” in your profile and that you don’t like Ethan Hawke. And while I don’t drive a bitchin’ camaro, Joe Jack Talcum has slept over my house (we drank Yeungling and talked about Monty Python)…


Well, I guess if any of this interests you, I’d like to hear what kind of whiskeys and steaks you like. Also, a favorite SWC quote. Mine is “All they hear is ‘Who wants cake?’ And let me tell you something. They ALWAYS want cake!” not sure if that’s why I cut back on my cake intake (incake?).


Insomniacally Yours,


Sent from  rosebud-tastic
Mar 3, 2010 – 4:00am

it is very late, and i’m about to go to sleep, but there was actually a column in one of the local weeklies from my hometown called “metrognome”. i never read it, but the title always gave me a little chortle.
good night!


do you know people who mock you for liking Python?

Wow, it’s been way too long since I last posted here.  I started working on this one right after the previous post, but I guess I got side-tracked.  Things have been pretty hectic, but in a good way.  I’ve been spending my weekdays working for a total psychopath (I would say that to describe him as being a retarded 4-year old with ADHD and Tourette’s would be not only an understatement, but an insult to 4-year olds with Down Syndrome.  So, to them, I apologize) in a warehouse, sorting CDs and DVDs all day long.  Then, I come home and mostly just pass out.  Or go to shows and bars and host my radio show (alternate Wednesday nights from 8-10pm on 90.1 FM WUSB — you can even listen online!) and not sleep enough.  Somewhere in there, I’m working on my book, too.  But enough with the petty excuses already!  On with the show…

I just figure that I wasn’t serious enough (either as a Jew or a jewman being) for this young lady.  Which is too bad.  I still don’t know why I don’t have better luck with sarcastic, tiny women.  I mean, you would think that I’m giant enough for them.  But no, they always seem to want guys that they can blow without kneeling.  As someone who is intimidated by tall women, I don’t get it.  Why can’t we just do a “Weird Science” and make a clone of Alyson Hannigan fall in love with me already?  Even if the clone has a wonky eye, I’ll be okay with it.  Or maybe I just need to actually be funny.  It seems my attempts at wit fall flat, so maybe I should just do stupid funny.  I’m guessing that after a few months of letters like this one, she decided to close up shop, bite the bullet and pay for J-Date.

 do you know people who mock you for liking Python?
Sent to lotus2177
Feb 11, 2010 – 12:51am
Sorry, lotus2177 no longer has an account.

because if so, they are not worth talking to.  There was a two year period where I pretty much didn’t think it was funny unless it had a british accent.

I got my picture taken with Terry Jones this summer.  I was actually tongue-tied.  Doesn’t happen very often.

I think the weirdest britcom moment for me was when I found a blog that discusses Roy’s shirts on The IT Crowd.  And that I want them all.  Especially the music venn diagram.

so how seriously jewish are you?  I am not very religious, but I have strong beliefs, and identify strongly as jewish, culturally and stuff. But I love bacon and shellfish.

oh and hello!  I didn’t say that at first.  I’m Jake and I have a penchant for short jewish redheads who like Britcoms, trivia and sarcasm.

hi, i saw your default photo and…

Damn, so this is another one I wish I had posted sooner.  As a result of my delays, I don’t have a photo to show you of a girl with a giant coffee mug obscuring her face (well, here’s one that’s not the girl I wrote to).  Just one of me with a giant coffee mug obscuring my face… Anyhow, if you don’t know by now, I am posting EVERY email I sent that garnered no response, usually in chronological order.  Since I put the time stamp in every letter I post, you can do all sorts of quantitative studies about the peaks and valleys of when I am most prolific (here’s a hint:  it usually is after 11pm and involves drinking).  Hell, you can make pie charts and Venn Diagrams* if you wish!  Or weird charts I don’t know the names of, like this one.

This one exhibits a short and sweet approach, and I can’t imagine why I never heard back.  Also, please note that the 0% match percentages have been replaced by “Sorry, x no longer has an account.” So from now on, so will my posts.  Oh and happy PI day!

hi, i saw your default photo and…
Sent to flightofthe
Oct 12, 2009 – 4:33pm
(Sorry, flightofthe no longer has an account.)

it reminded me of the 2nd photo on my profile.

I thought our photos should get to know each other, since they clearly like faces being obscured by big ass coffee mugs.

Hope you’re having a good day and drinking from a giant mug (I was drinking from a regular sized Ministry of Silly Walks mug today)!

*Please buy me this shirt, size L.  Thanks!

pinin’ for the fjords?

So, this can’t be the worst email a woman’s ever gotten, but I will cop to the fact that it’s not romantic in anyway, nor does it leave much opening for a response.  Also, it was 4am, so I’m guessing I was pretty drunk.  This young woman is now in Chicago, so I suppose it makes no difference one way or the other.  I wouldn’t reply to this guy either.

pinin’ for the fjords?
Sent to Spasafrass
Jan. 12, 2009 – 4:11am
11% Enemy 82% Friend 90% Match

and then I find the only reason it was even on its perch in the first place is because it had been nailed there!\
just had to get that out of my system, thank you.

and now back to your regularly scheduled programme.

PS I can do an ok Scottish Burr, but for some reason, when I try to do an irish brogue, it comes out like Apu.

how to recognize trees from quite a long way away

So, in the roughly two and a half years I have been unsuccessfully navigating the OK Cupid seas, looking for that elusive fish that wants to swim upstream and spawn with me (forgive me for carrying a metaphor across state lines), I have read articles and blog entries (some by OK Cupid staff members) about how to maximize your results and whatnot, even though it’s all bullshit anyhow.*

*According to this survey, I need to sleep with about 7 more people before September 16th, 2010 to be average (survey says “I’m fucked (for not being fucked enough).

I violated at least one of the principles covered in these “studies” in the second sentence of this letter.  I showed my hand and told her she was cute.  That is a no-no.  Apparently, you should only compliment a woman you don’t know on her brains or personality, which you no doubt should be able to gather from a cursory perusal of some silly online dating profile.  Not that mine doesn’t portray someone who takes being funny too seriously and perhaps comes across a little too edgy.  I should amend that, actually.  But yes, you’re not supposed to say a woman you’ve only seen photos of is cute.

Tempts me to write a girl and say “You look like a trainwreck, but my goodness, I really like all the same things, and even though you repulse me to the point of uncontrollable dick shivers, maybe we can look beyond the surface and I am pretty sure I can buy a penis blindfold.”  At least I have learned from past mistakes not to tell someone that she is “perfect on paper.”

Just in case you’re wondering if I really did that, yes, I really did that!  To this girl, here.  If you’ve never made a grown woman who has just started taking an anti-depressant and can no longer drink alcohol exclaim “Jesus, I need a beer!” while you awkwardly sip water as she gets up and runs out of a crowded Ukrainian restaurant so nobody sees her crying, while you sit there stunned, full of pierogies and remorse, I wouldn’t recommend it.

I mean, it makes a great story, but it’s MY story and now that I’ve told you that, you can’t be a copycat heart-murderer.  I wish I could access the blog she wrote about what an asshole I am, but her Myspace is set to private and we aren’t friends on there, for some reason.  I knew I should have copied it while I had the chance.  All I remember is that it says that some guy (me) was a jerk and that her friends offered to TP my house (but I lived in an apartment building, so I don’t see how that would have worked).  As a result, I have never attempted to go back to Duke’s on Avenue C, even though she apparently lives in Little Rock, Arkansas now.  I have women who hate me scattered all over this great land.  I once managed to affect a girl enough so that she dropped out of college in upstate NY and moved to California just because she knew how much she liked me, but would never leave her boyfriend after his mother died.  But that’s another story I may one day tell…

Oh, and the magic Icebreaker has figured out exactly  what I am looking for in a woman… “I think you both like music, better off dead, radiohead, coffee, and eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.”  It might as well say “This woman has a pulse and clearly is under the age of 65.  Why don’t you go for it?”

how to recognize trees from quite a long way away
Sent to silent_alarm_
Jan. 12, 2009 – 2:53am
16% Enemy 84% Friend 82% Match

Hi.  I came across your profile and you seem pretty cool.  You’re definitely cute and like a lot of cool things.  A photo playing bass doesn’t hurt, either (having come of age in the era of indie-rock bands with awesome female bassists)…

I should warn you that pretty much all of my conversations include references to Monty Python and The Kids In the Hall, and even though it isn’t even one of my favorite trilogies, I somehow wind up making a lot of Star Wars references. I really wish i knew why that was.

Nevertheless, I am looking for someone I can grab a cup of coffee with and take to some cultural events (I haven’t been going to see as many films as I would like lately). Drop a line back if this sounds good.