I think I’d like to try and make you almost pee*

So, I was getting ready to post this letter, when I realized a dreadful typo.  The downside to writing messages drunk is that there is rarely a thorough proofreading (and I make it my duty to publish these letters complete with all typos, in the interest of truthiness) involved before sending.  This can backfire, as I think it did in this particular case.  The opening line was supposed to be what you see as the title above.  What I actually sent, however, was missing two important letters in the middle of a word, and the fact that I only now discovered this a year later is particularly embarrassing.  I think that it now means something completely different and might explain why I didn’t pass the audition, so to speak.  The egg on my virtual face is a total benedict, replete with a thick, creamy hollandaise.

And just in case you, the internet traveller, were wondering why I would start off with such a bold statement in the first place, I will present you with the part of her profile I was responding to, from the heart of the “You Should Message Me If:” section, which clearly states:

You have a great sense of humor (and if you possess the ability to make me laugh so hard that I almost pee, you’re golden; if I actually pee however, it could make for an awkward first date so please proceed with wit and caution).

I therefore thought that such a ballsy statement of intent would be not only refreshingly delightful and whimsical, but met with an enchanted smile and perhaps with a beverage shot out from her nose onto the computer screen.  Of course, that was all before the shocking discovery of the typo.  I was all prepared to present this letter, touting it as perhaps the best one I’d ever written to a woman on OK Cupid, and bemoaning the fact that she claims on her profile to be oh so funny and charming, yet she can’t reply to a message from a guy who not only sent this message, but whom I rated five stars AND favorited.  So, as a result, there have been many times I would log in and see that she was logged in, and yet, we’ve never interacted, beyond this one (technically two, as there was a postscript message sent a little later) message I sent, missing two letters, and perhaps that made all the difference.

I wonder what would happen if I were to send another message, explaining the typo, and adding something about how I once thought I had found the one when I made her shoot beer out of her nose via an instant message, but it was sadly not so, and perhaps I had taken my grandmother’s story about meeting my grandfather too literally.  Even though this blog is always open to comments, I’d like your opinions as to whether I should indeed write her once more, noting the awful typo.

Sent to missmeta
Jan 2, 2012 – 12:22am
9% Enemy  85% Friend  92% Match

I think I’d like to try and me you almost pee  (That would be the subject line if they still had a space for a subject line. I really preferred having the option of thinking up a supposedly witty subject line only to epically fail.)

And now, on to the body of the message:

Greetings and salutations! I’m Jake and I thought you should know that I really enjoyed reading your profile (I had enjoyed reading it before, but I think it was around the time I was leaving for Austin, Texas, where I thought I was moving), and I think it’s great that you’ve finally discovered grilled cheese. I, too, mention grilled cheese in my profile.

Also, I myself just finished reading Talking to Girls About Duran Duran. I would have read it sooner, but I was afraid it would be as sad as Love Is A Mixtape, which I read in September, and upon finishing, decided I needed to read something lighter, such as a Johnny Cash biography. When I finished that, I REALLY needed a pick-me-up, so I read The Bedwetter by Sarah Silverman, which was hilarious, although it disturbed me that my brain thinks similar things to hers, yet I have too much anxiety about performing.

I don’t know of Ruth Reich, but my great-grandmother’s name was Rae Reich. Feel free to insert your own non-sequitur in a follow-up message.

Anyhow, I hope your New Year’s was fun, but not too much fun, since you haven’t met me yet. Hopefully this message piques enough of your interest so one day I can meet your tiara.

— End of electronic message —

Jan 2, 2012 – 12:24am

PS I am almost disappointed that you are not a floating head. Almost.

*this was the intended subject, so therefore I am using it as the blog title.  In real life, however, I fucked up and made a typo.  You may have noticed that since I mentioned it a lot.

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i have no idea what to say

My last post of the year for 2009. Good riddance to a mostly shitty year.  Lost a job, got booted out of my apartment, made a mess of a friendship, lost a girl to distance…the world lost some talented-ass musicians and writers.  Hopefully, 2010 will be better.  Somehow, I have a feeling certain things will be, at least.

So yeah, I think in the new year I am going to update this blog just once a week instead of every day, because I’m running out of old letters.  Yesterday’s was the last of the first batch that I had prepared in anticipation of this blog.  So I may be updating this less, but I promise to make it bigger and better.  I’m also going to start up a Facebook fan page for it.

I think if I ever make another dating site profile (god forbid), I will make my screen name Gavin Volure! Anyway, enjoy this final foray in 2009, and I will see you again in what I can only hope is a year that doesn’t suck as much bullsperm as this one did.  I’m gonna go end the year watching kung fu blaxploitation films starring Jim Kelly (see last week’s post on Zardoz for links).

And most importantly, be safe tonight!

i have no idea what to say
Sent to pasapropos
18% Enemy 73% Friend 80% Match
Nov. 23, 2008 – 6:49pm

Hi there.

I clicked on your profile and was intrigued by your lack of personality divulgements (what book is that paragraph from?) and your also having been a college radio dj (something I did until last year, even though I haven’t set foot in a classroom in 13 years)…

otherwise, I don’t know what else to say, I’m kind of distracted re-watching this week’s 30 Rock (Steve Martin!) and a couple Newcastles down.

have a nice night!