I think I’d like to try and make you almost pee*

So, I was getting ready to post this letter, when I realized a dreadful typo.  The downside to writing messages drunk is that there is rarely a thorough proofreading (and I make it my duty to publish these letters complete with all typos, in the interest of truthiness) involved before sending.  This can backfire, as I think it did in this particular case.  The opening line was supposed to be what you see as the title above.  What I actually sent, however, was missing two important letters in the middle of a word, and the fact that I only now discovered this a year later is particularly embarrassing.  I think that it now means something completely different and might explain why I didn’t pass the audition, so to speak.  The egg on my virtual face is a total benedict, replete with a thick, creamy hollandaise.

And just in case you, the internet traveller, were wondering why I would start off with such a bold statement in the first place, I will present you with the part of her profile I was responding to, from the heart of the “You Should Message Me If:” section, which clearly states:

You have a great sense of humor (and if you possess the ability to make me laugh so hard that I almost pee, you’re golden; if I actually pee however, it could make for an awkward first date so please proceed with wit and caution).

I therefore thought that such a ballsy statement of intent would be not only refreshingly delightful and whimsical, but met with an enchanted smile and perhaps with a beverage shot out from her nose onto the computer screen.  Of course, that was all before the shocking discovery of the typo.  I was all prepared to present this letter, touting it as perhaps the best one I’d ever written to a woman on OK Cupid, and bemoaning the fact that she claims on her profile to be oh so funny and charming, yet she can’t reply to a message from a guy who not only sent this message, but whom I rated five stars AND favorited.  So, as a result, there have been many times I would log in and see that she was logged in, and yet, we’ve never interacted, beyond this one (technically two, as there was a postscript message sent a little later) message I sent, missing two letters, and perhaps that made all the difference.

I wonder what would happen if I were to send another message, explaining the typo, and adding something about how I once thought I had found the one when I made her shoot beer out of her nose via an instant message, but it was sadly not so, and perhaps I had taken my grandmother’s story about meeting my grandfather too literally.  Even though this blog is always open to comments, I’d like your opinions as to whether I should indeed write her once more, noting the awful typo.

Sent to missmeta
Jan 2, 2012 – 12:22am
9% Enemy  85% Friend  92% Match

I think I’d like to try and me you almost pee  (That would be the subject line if they still had a space for a subject line. I really preferred having the option of thinking up a supposedly witty subject line only to epically fail.)

And now, on to the body of the message:

Greetings and salutations! I’m Jake and I thought you should know that I really enjoyed reading your profile (I had enjoyed reading it before, but I think it was around the time I was leaving for Austin, Texas, where I thought I was moving), and I think it’s great that you’ve finally discovered grilled cheese. I, too, mention grilled cheese in my profile.

Also, I myself just finished reading Talking to Girls About Duran Duran. I would have read it sooner, but I was afraid it would be as sad as Love Is A Mixtape, which I read in September, and upon finishing, decided I needed to read something lighter, such as a Johnny Cash biography. When I finished that, I REALLY needed a pick-me-up, so I read The Bedwetter by Sarah Silverman, which was hilarious, although it disturbed me that my brain thinks similar things to hers, yet I have too much anxiety about performing.

I don’t know of Ruth Reich, but my great-grandmother’s name was Rae Reich. Feel free to insert your own non-sequitur in a follow-up message.

Anyhow, I hope your New Year’s was fun, but not too much fun, since you haven’t met me yet. Hopefully this message piques enough of your interest so one day I can meet your tiara.

— End of electronic message —

Jan 2, 2012 – 12:24am

PS I am almost disappointed that you are not a floating head. Almost.

*this was the intended subject, so therefore I am using it as the blog title.  In real life, however, I fucked up and made a typo.  You may have noticed that since I mentioned it a lot.

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Wow, you crack me the fuck up!

Hello folks (to steal a line from my friend, the great JFOD)!  It’s July 3rd and I have no life and am 1800 miles from most of my friends and family on a self-imposed exile that was supposed to make me feel better about myself.  It’s almost working.  However, living in a city where it’s like 100 degrees everyday makes it hard for me to want to take long walks, since I don’t like to die of heat stroke on a daily basis.  I’m really glad I moved here in time for summer.

In the “other decisions I almost immediately regretted” department, I recently sent an email to a young lady whose profile seemed hi-larious (and perhaps a little too well thought-out to be very social) while stone cold sober (clearly a mistake), and was met with all sorts of confusion and awkwardness, but not in a good way.  Overall, though, I like how she thought the first message was sarcastic, but didn’t get the sarcasm of the sarcastic message.  Or have any understanding of the concept of home recording.

She might as well have said “I am not nearly as funny as my profile indicates.  In fact, I am pretty much retarded and have no comprehension of the fact that my profile references the song “Kiss Off” by Violent Femmes and that people use machines to record music and say things by talking.  Why would anyone compliment me for something I wrote on the internet?  I have no self-esteem and view every single word someone throws at me as if they were flinging poo from their monkey cage.  Please do not ever message me, for I cannot carry on a text-based conversation in a world without a font for sarcasm.”

But I will let you judge for yourself.  I have included every back-and-forth.  I will refrain from posting her username for now.  But here is the entire conversation.  I have italicized her responses to make it hopefully less confusing for you, the reader.  Hard to believe it all happened within the span of 27 minutes.  I think that will be my new movie script for Hollywood.  If you steal it, I will come after you. Enjoy!

Sent to Jxllyrxgxd
Jul 3, 2011 – 7:49pm
16% Enemy  72% Friend  82% Match

Wow, you crack me the fuck up!

Also, props for referencing a Violent Femmes song that isn’t “Blister In The Sun.” I have a mixtape from freshman year of college (1991) that has “Blister In The Sun” on it and I want to go back in time and tell 17 year old me that I will regret it later. And to put “Country Death Song” on the mix instead.

I have nothing interesting to say. I moved to Austin to fuck around on my 4-track cassette and finish old songs, but I plugged it in today and it’s broken! after driving it 2800 miles!

Have a shpedonkle day!
————————-

Jul 3, 2011 – 7:51pm

  • I can’t tell what parts of your message aren’t meant to be sarcastic… if any…

—————————

Jul 3, 2011 – 7:54pm

surprisingly, none of it.  Sorry about that.  For some reason, I’m not feeling sarcastic today.  I should get that checked out.

—————————

Jul 3, 2011 – 7:55pm

  • You moved to Austin to fuck around?

——————————

Jul 3, 2011 – 7:58pm

yes. i moved away from brooklyn to be a manwhore because I used up the hipster girl populace. all of it.

and we’re back. phew. I got worried for a minute.

——————————

Jul 3, 2011 – 8:00pm

  • Well, that sounds grand. Good luck with your fuckery.

————————————

Jul 3, 2011 – 8:05pm

I thought we were a doing a bit. you say i am not being sarcastic enough, so I go to plaid and…oh well.

————————————

Jul 3, 2011 – 8:10pm

  • I didn’t say that you weren’t being sarcastic enough, I was just curious if your first message was written in sarcasm, since it seemed to have been. Honestly I have no idea what you’re saying, and I’m sort of assuming you’re drunk.. perhaps?

————————————

Jul 3, 2011 – 8:16pm

i am totally not drunk. and there was no sarcasm in the original message. the one about manwhoring was sarcasm. when i said i came to austin to fuck around on my 4-track, i was talking about a device that records music. and it’s broken. and the purpose of my leaving ny was to get away and work on finishing old recordings.

sorry if that was confusing. i’ll leave you to your regularly scheduled programming now.

not just writing this to gain activity points

Hey there, dear readers!  Hope your Monday doesn’t suck too much.  I slept through most of mine, so as to avoid the suckness factor.  Unfortunately, I slept so late that I’m going to miss my favorite Monday night activity, namely the comedy show Tell Your Friends, produced by Liam McEneaney and Jessica Flores. If you go there, tell Liam that J-Ro sent you.

This particular entry requires some prologue action, so here goes.

I was really struggling with the morality at risk in posting this letter, because, truth be told, while this letter itself did not receive a response, I later met this beautiful young lady in person accidentally through a mutual friend who has shouted out this blog.  She had a boyfriend at the time, which was a bummer, because she was quite charming.  I later came across her profile again when she was newly re-single, racked my brain over whether I had already written her (I had, but couldn’t find the letter, which is the one below) and also, why she seemed so familiar (I am a dumbass).

She and I are now friends on Facebook and even though I haven’t heard from her in a few months, I wouldn’t be surprised if she stumbled upon this blog.  I really only decided to post this series of letters because her OkCupid profile is no longer active.  [Update – just found out today that the profile is indeed active.  oops! I have edited her screenname and unlinked her profile, until she defriends me – Ed.]

Anyhow, having somehow not found the letter I sent her, I sent her a new letter.  Because this is my blog, I can do what I want, and I want to include the letter that DID get a response (and parts of what she wrote me, because it’s funny.  I am not including ANY of the personal information, because I am not a complete asshole), and parts of my response.

Anyhow, a little background on this mystery woman’s profile:  she had several photos of her doing drunk karaoke, and I was really into that.  Hence the mention of karaoke (making a repeat appearance from “Hi There!“) Phil Collins.

Since this is my most ambitious post to date, I am going to write some more details in between letters, so I hope you can keep up.  And remember, you can leave comments here (I went through an extra five minutes of trouble to get the coding to make it so).  Just click on the little thing that says “0 Comments” (until someone comments, in which case it will be 0 plus whatever amount of comments there really are) and let me know how you feel.

This is the original letter I sent that received no response:

not just writing this to gain activity points
Sent to pr@fgr#$nt*^
23% Enemy 76% Friend 75% Match
May 31, 2008 – 4:21pm

Hi there, I’ve been meaning to write you a message for about a week, but I’ve been too tired once home to think of anything meaningful to say. I still can’t think of anything meaningful to say, but I don’t like to let things linger too long unattended, I suppose, which is weird for someone as lazy as I am to say.

Nevertheless, your profile popped up one day when I was perusing this site and I must say I was intrigued. I liked the style in the writing sample you have in your journal, and I’m still looking for someone cute to talk, drink, think and laugh with. And possibly karaoke. I was recently seen at the trash bar ripping it up to “Against All Odds” as if someone poured rubbing alcohol into that empty space.

So yeah, if you’re curious about a guy who would be described as eccentric if he had tons of money and likes to write songs, has been working on a book for 5 years and is trying to be a standup comedian while having a day job and trying to run a record label, then drop a line.

you can view some words I typed here:
  http://blog.myspace.com/jon_roren

In the meantime, i hope you are having a good weekend.

——–

Here is the letter I sent almost 7 months later, after having actually met her in person.  Good job, Jake.

———-

message from an insomniac
Sent Dec. 15, 2008 – 4:08am

Hi there!

You definitely seem like the right person to take out for drunk karaoke!

I don’t normally use so many exclamation points.

Seriously!

 It’s 4am and I have to move my car in 5 1/2 hours before going to work…

This is not my best writing. For that, I apologize. Perhaps I can make it up to you if you respond to this letter.

Meanwhile, I should go to sleep.

take care,

PS you are totally cute and I realize I am ridiculous. And I have the stories to back this claim up.
————-

Now here is her response.  But hey, at least this time I GOT a response! I have italicized it so you guys can differentiate.

————–

Sent Dec. 15, 2008 – 10:03am


wow!

I guess my pictures really don’t look like me, because evidently you don’t recognize me!

I met you at Soundfix a couple of weeks ago. We both know Liam McEneaney.

————–

Oops!  So, having sufficiently made myself look like an ass, but perhaps just enough to make her feel insecure enough to respond to me (because all those douchebag Pickup Artist types always tell you to get a woman interested by a backhanded compliment.  So, I guess, not recognizing a woman you called cute is kind of like that), I try to make it up.  Here is my edited response.

———–

Sent Dec. 15, 2008 – 12:56pm

Holy crap! (Name withdrawn)!  I looked at your profile and thought for sure I had totally messaged you on here before, but could find no proof of ever doing so, but you looked so familiar it was killing me. You know, aside from the fact that I once before DID try to message you but failed to come up with any words as lame as what I sent you at 4am this morning.

Well, at least now I know why! You totally look like your photos, except for the whole being in 3 dimensions thing. And now, aside from my case of mental retardation, it isn’t awkward, because we’ve actually met in person. I did not lie when I told you I was ridiculous.

Um, yeah, so that night I thought you had a boyfriend or something?  Or I am just crazy.  I stand by my earlier statement about you being totally cute. And now that I’ve blown it by confusing real life and the internets, are you going to any comedy shows this week?  Like Liam’s Darfur benefit tonight?

oh and if you do want to still talk to me again, you can find me at (email address withdrawn).

————

She then sent me a response detailing the saga of the boyfriend thing and that was the end of our Ok Cupid volley.  We then became Facebook friends and once in a while she pops up at a comedy show I’m at.

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