math and being blonde

What’s got two thumbs and types with his feet planted firmly in mouth?  This guy (pointing to self)!  This may just be my most self-explanatory letter in terms of not getting a response.  I mean, you’d have to be reaching deep down into your fish barrel to want to reply to this asshole.  Sadly, this asshole is me.  At least this letter had personality, albeit a little bit off…

math and being blonde
Sent to EffingEh
Jan. 14, 2009 – 1:24am
% Enemy % Friend % Match

aren’t those contradictions?
j/k
says the guy who is only good at english and being a brunette.
oh like you haven’t heard that before.
boxed wine is the only wine i’ve ever gotten drunk on.*

*note:  this statement is patently untrue if you count Manischewitz Concord Grape as wine.  I once brought a bottle to a party (hey, it was $8 and I’m a cheap Jew) and proceeded to drink pretty much the entire thing myself.  I became something of a folk hero at that party…until I couldn’t stop puking Manschewitz Concord Grape all over the lawn

(slightly off topic) – Meet Senior Singles

Okay, I know I’m old, but really???

Email I received today:

Subject: Meet Senior Singles
From:  Singles Over 50

Interested in meeting Senior Singles in your area?

That special someone is just a click a way…
Your Membership Includes:
* Browse Pictures & Videos
* Live Video, Audio and Text Chat
* Communicate Anonymously Click below and start viewing thousands of profiles today!

To unsubscribe from future mailings, please unsubscribe from this site
Post Office Box 12627
Dallas, TX 75225

so, ANY Mel Brooks movie?

This one is just me being a wiseass (and a total nerd) and having it blow up in my face by not having my mailbox blow up later.  Another example of my offbeat sense of humor, my arcane knowledge of minor films by major directors and my total lack of filter.  Not that it matters, really.  I mean, they say it’s a numbers game, but also, if someone doesn’t think you’re funny off the bat, just imagine how it will be 4 years down the line if you were to keep making the same corny jokes over and over that she didn’t like on the first contact?  You would most likely end up in an ER with some nasty knife wounds.  I dunno.  If you ask me, if you’re that big a Mel Brooks fan that you say you can quote lines from any of his films, then you should want to have my (Jim Henson’s) borscht babies…I call shenanigans!

so, ANY Mel Brooks movie?
Sent to honeyjacks
Jan. 14, 2009 – 1:16am
% Enemy % Friend % Match

don’t worry, I won’t ask you to quote the Twelve Chairs…

but yeah, I cannot hear “Why don’t you go where fashion sits” without hearing Peter Boyle warble “putting on the riiiiiiiiiiiiitz!”

when you say you don’t like romantic comedies, are you disqualifying all cameron crowe movies?

most of what you say is dead-on

In all the messages I’ve sent to the women of Okcupid, this one might just have my favorite sentence (perhaps even my favorite sentence that I’ve written EVER), especially the way it sounds when I read it in my head.  I wish I had ended this letter with that sentence.  Instead, I just spewed a rant based on what I assume to be something in her profile, but with a focus on my own aesthetic hangups.

And then I go on to brag in the third paragraph, at which point, no amount of “oh hey, cute hat”s can salvage a response from the woman who was probably once interested by the promising first paragraph only to be borderline disgusted by the virtual “nyah nyah nyah” of the whiny guy bragging about how he saw Tom Waits.  What a winner!

I’d be surprised if she didn’t delete her profile to make a new one with the screen name “ArtsyQuirklicious4U” just so I wouldn’t click on her profile.  If that is the case, then well played ArtsyQuirklicious4U.  Well played.

most of what you say is dead-on
Sent to lizziean
Jan. 12, 2009 – 11:45pm
% Enemy % Friend % Match (I think she was an 86% match)

Hi there…

I was reading your profile thoroughly before just sending off some half-assed message about how beautiful you are, etc…figuring you probably get a lot of that. And I have to say, your forthrightness is refreshing. But mostly, I’m just looking for a girl to refinish my furniture.

Everyone on this site totally does that “I’m quirky, laid back and original” thing and they can’t all be, and laid back really gets my goat for some reason. Also, I have disqualified many people based on screen names. Pretty much anyone with “girl,” “artsy,” “licious” or numerals substituted for words are out. One day I saw “Arstygirlicious” and almost fell out of my chair laughing. Maybe I am too picky, but I don’t think so.

Oh and for the record, Tom Waits, Beacon Theater 1999 was the best show I’ve ever seen. I still have the confetti he threw as he made his entrance and walked down the aisle I was closest to…

BTW, that hat is really cute.

pinin’ for the fjords?

So, this can’t be the worst email a woman’s ever gotten, but I will cop to the fact that it’s not romantic in anyway, nor does it leave much opening for a response.  Also, it was 4am, so I’m guessing I was pretty drunk.  This young woman is now in Chicago, so I suppose it makes no difference one way or the other.  I wouldn’t reply to this guy either.

pinin’ for the fjords?
Sent to Spasafrass
Jan. 12, 2009 – 4:11am
11% Enemy 82% Friend 90% Match

and then I find the only reason it was even on its perch in the first place is because it had been nailed there!\
just had to get that out of my system, thank you.

and now back to your regularly scheduled programme.

PS I can do an ok Scottish Burr, but for some reason, when I try to do an irish brogue, it comes out like Apu.

i, too, have tatu songs on my iPod…

Okay, so it’s been way too long since the last update…I would have told you that, even if it hadn’t already been brought to my attention by this reviewer.  First it was the failed job search short-circuiting my writing synapses, and then it was the insurmountable inertia of starting to write again after not doing so for months at a time.  And then, I had a very hectic retail job for an entire month before they caught on that I wasn’t putting my heart into their sales pitch, even though I did try.  I wish I could make money writing a book of excuses.  It would be one large book, although I would probably never finish it…
I can’t understand why this one didn’t write back.  I don’t even remember much about her at this point, since she doesn’t have an account any longer.  I mean, she would have to know that it takes brazen honesty in a man to admit to such a thing as liking t.A.T.u.  Perhaps she wasn’t ready for someone so honest, and I would have been better served to write simply “Yo baby, I wanna pop YOUR corn!”

i, too, have tatu songs on my iPod…
Sent to muciboo
Jan. 12, 2009 – 3:41am
0% Enemy 0% Friend 0% Match

there’s just something about chipmunks singing a Smiths’ song that is irresistible.
that’s a case of “hardest truth first” if ever there was!

alas, my iPod is sort of mute at the moment (the headphone jack was getting sketchy and then i managed to complete defuse it) unless it’s plugged in to a computer or a dock. So now I’m borrowing one from my mom temporarily and when it’s on shuffle I find myself skipping a lot of Barry Manilow and Bryan Adams songs (and every other Neil Diamond song).

I don’t know what that has to do with anything, but there it is.

when you say you are a purist popcorn popper, do you mean you do it with a pot on a stovetop? Or with a 70’s-style oil-based popcorn popper (I do have one of those exactly like the kind i had as a kid, thank you eBay. Of course, on the downside, it doesn’t work all that well)?

internetwise yours,

how to recognize trees from quite a long way away

So, in the roughly two and a half years I have been unsuccessfully navigating the OK Cupid seas, looking for that elusive fish that wants to swim upstream and spawn with me (forgive me for carrying a metaphor across state lines), I have read articles and blog entries (some by OK Cupid staff members) about how to maximize your results and whatnot, even though it’s all bullshit anyhow.*

*According to this survey, I need to sleep with about 7 more people before September 16th, 2010 to be average (survey says “I’m fucked (for not being fucked enough).

I violated at least one of the principles covered in these “studies” in the second sentence of this letter.  I showed my hand and told her she was cute.  That is a no-no.  Apparently, you should only compliment a woman you don’t know on her brains or personality, which you no doubt should be able to gather from a cursory perusal of some silly online dating profile.  Not that mine doesn’t portray someone who takes being funny too seriously and perhaps comes across a little too edgy.  I should amend that, actually.  But yes, you’re not supposed to say a woman you’ve only seen photos of is cute.

Tempts me to write a girl and say “You look like a trainwreck, but my goodness, I really like all the same things, and even though you repulse me to the point of uncontrollable dick shivers, maybe we can look beyond the surface and I am pretty sure I can buy a penis blindfold.”  At least I have learned from past mistakes not to tell someone that she is “perfect on paper.”

Just in case you’re wondering if I really did that, yes, I really did that!  To this girl, here.  If you’ve never made a grown woman who has just started taking an anti-depressant and can no longer drink alcohol exclaim “Jesus, I need a beer!” while you awkwardly sip water as she gets up and runs out of a crowded Ukrainian restaurant so nobody sees her crying, while you sit there stunned, full of pierogies and remorse, I wouldn’t recommend it.

I mean, it makes a great story, but it’s MY story and now that I’ve told you that, you can’t be a copycat heart-murderer.  I wish I could access the blog she wrote about what an asshole I am, but her Myspace is set to private and we aren’t friends on there, for some reason.  I knew I should have copied it while I had the chance.  All I remember is that it says that some guy (me) was a jerk and that her friends offered to TP my house (but I lived in an apartment building, so I don’t see how that would have worked).  As a result, I have never attempted to go back to Duke’s on Avenue C, even though she apparently lives in Little Rock, Arkansas now.  I have women who hate me scattered all over this great land.  I once managed to affect a girl enough so that she dropped out of college in upstate NY and moved to California just because she knew how much she liked me, but would never leave her boyfriend after his mother died.  But that’s another story I may one day tell…

Oh, and the magic Icebreaker has figured out exactly  what I am looking for in a woman… “I think you both like music, better off dead, radiohead, coffee, and eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.”  It might as well say “This woman has a pulse and clearly is under the age of 65.  Why don’t you go for it?”

how to recognize trees from quite a long way away
Sent to silent_alarm_
Jan. 12, 2009 – 2:53am
16% Enemy 84% Friend 82% Match

Hi.  I came across your profile and you seem pretty cool.  You’re definitely cute and like a lot of cool things.  A photo playing bass doesn’t hurt, either (having come of age in the era of indie-rock bands with awesome female bassists)…

I should warn you that pretty much all of my conversations include references to Monty Python and The Kids In the Hall, and even though it isn’t even one of my favorite trilogies, I somehow wind up making a lot of Star Wars references. I really wish i knew why that was.

Nevertheless, I am looking for someone I can grab a cup of coffee with and take to some cultural events (I haven’t been going to see as many films as I would like lately). Drop a line back if this sounds good.

you sure think about brains an awful lot…

At long last, we have reached the final post from the original blog on tumblr.  I promise to post the ultra-special super-entry within the week, to officially inaugurate this lovely new site (thank you WordPress, your elegance and ease-of-use is almost confusing in its non-confoundingness).  Before I leave you to re-read something old, let me just say that the letter below is one of my favorite posts on this site.  As an added bonus, I will be adding a few fun hyperlinks for you to enjoy.  So, enjoy!

So anyways, I haven’t posted in over two weeks, and that is a major faux-pas to a budding bloglodyte.  In my defense, I was working on a superawesometastic Valentine’s Day post, but it was just simply too involved to be put together in a slapdash manner.  You guys are going to have to wait a little longer for that post.  It will hopefully be worth it.  I’m sure you will all think so.  That post is now going to be saved for a VERY SPECIAL OCCASION that is coming soon to an interweb near you (except for you, young Timothy Foo).

I have purchased the domain okcupidletters.com and will soon be migrating content over to that domain on a new site.  I really like tumblr, and will continue to post entries here in parallel, but I don’t understand why most tumblr people just repost other people’s photos and things and think that it’s a waste of time and bandwidth to repost photos of pretty girls…So I am moving to a more mature and wordcentric blog platform. So now that I have built up that blog-post to the point where it can’t help but be disappointing to you when it does get published on http://okcupidletters.com in the very near future.  As for now, you’ll just have to muddle through another short but sweet post…

Now, I view these letters as ovum, waiting to be fertilized by a reply.  If it doesn’t get a reply, the letter is flushed down the toilet like period soup, but with commas and colons involved.  I would like to reiterate that all of these letters are honest-to-goodness attempts to make a legitimate connection with a stranger on the internet.  I guess that just makes me strange.  To me, these are snapshots of my soul, dangling on a virtual string for you to judge.

What we have here is one of my best subject line/opening sentence combinations.  I have no idea what kind of imagined case of Herpes Simplex 2 prevented this young lady from even acknowledging the wit contained herein.  I mean, just two hours ago, a lovely lass had the decency to quickly reply in reference to my subject line, although she was on her way to bed and didn’t have time to fully absorb the majesty contained within said message.  Of course, those are now words that I can’t post here.  See, I have a filter!  Regardless, it is time to foist this upon you:


you sure think about brains an awful lot…

Sent to kit_kit
Jan. 8, 2009 – 4:03am
9% Enemy 82% Friend 88% Match

are you a zombie? A zombie who can pass for cute and then when I fall asleep you eat my brains? very cunning, indeed!

For reals, though, your description of a Sunday sounds awesome, though to tell you the truth, “morning” for me on a Sunday seems to be more like noon (on an early day). I’m glad you were able to bring some Vonnegut books with you, as life without them just seems wrong. Your paragraph about music really got to me. In my solo acoustic sets, I used to cover “Pretty Eyes” (The Natural Bridge is still my favorite Joos record, despite everyone who touts American Water as the be all, end all).

Welcome to NY.

*(Oh and as always, the Icebreaker function had plenty to say on our matchitude.  Observe:  “I think you both like cooking, cardigans, johnny cash, the beatles, and the kinks.” – as expected, context has no bearing on this algorithm.  I totally like Cardigans, the band, but not cardigans, the type of sweater.  The woman in the profile clearly wears the sweaters.)

dropping a line (2 – electric boogaloo)*

Welcome to Redhead Week here at OKCLTNGRHQ (aka my semi-secluded suburban residence during my in-between drone jobs phase).  What that means is that I’ve actually sent out a few letters on OkCupid this week, all to redheads (Note: letters were sent to four young ladies, but one appears to NOT be a redhead. – Ed.)

Since life is no fun if you don’t bend the rules or tweak the system, in honor of redheads everywhere (except for the scary kind, you know, the creepy ginger kids), I am being crazy impulsive and am going to post a letter that DID get a response; one that even said I was cute and nice, natch!  In what is a bizarre turn of events, this woman ACTUALLY READ my profile.  Ironically, that’s what got me in trouble.  I give her credit for being honest and direct at any rate.  Maybe her no longer being on OkCupid has something to do with her tricking some guy exactly like me into marrying her and making babies.

I am still looking for that elusive woman who loves “Henry Fool” and wants to stay the night.

dropping a line
Sent to redresearcher
Jan. 5, 2009 – 12:43am
25% Enemy 78% Friend 73% Match

Hi there!

I just wanted to say hello and that you have awesome taste in movies and music. Henry Fool is one of those films I use as a barometer for relationships. Of course, the downside to this seems to be that there are at least two kinds of crazy that I have experience with…the kind that hates Henry Fool with every fiber of their being and subsequently hate me..or the kind that love the movie and my taste in music and then disappear without a trace (well, I mean, they are still alive, I assure you) from my life.

Have a good night,
=======
Here is her response:
=======
Hi,

You seem very nice and the profile (and you) are definitely cute….problem is, I am not super-jazzed about the “casual encounters” or the “no children” parts….just not really my style….good luck as you continue “the quest” as it were…

Cheers,
Jen

* NOTE:  Parenthetical title is merely to distinguish it from the previous entry listed as “dropping a line” and is in NO WAY something that I had put in the subject line of the actual letter, as funny (and confusing for the recipient) as it would have been.

i like the way you think

I don’t know.  This was kind of a one trick pony of a message, but it does hopefully convey one thing:  I want to bowl and do karaoke at the same time.  I think that at least the subject line addresses something about the recipient.  I wonder how many more messages like this one she received before canceling her account and running away from the computer screaming.  But if you’re going to use the screenname LizLemon, you are going to attract weird nerdy guys.  I wish I could remember what she looks like.

i like the way you think
Sent to lizlemon
Jan. 4, 2009 – 11:59pm
10% Enemy 86% Friend 87% Match

Hi!

Just for the record, I have actually done karaoke at a bowling alley. But it was a shitty bowling alley on LI. I also once went to a karaoke night at a hick bar near the Pennsylvania/West Virginia border where three drunk cowboys would not relinquish control of the microphones.

but yeah, Bowlaoke would so rock.

take care,