nice username

Hello loyal readers (what few of you still exist, as I seem to take too long between updates, although the upside to this lackadaisical approach is that I still have material that is two years old, even after doing this blog for over two and a half years)!

I hope you have all been well.  I have had some bouts of self-defeatism, followed up with delusions of adequacy and at times a fleeting feeling of awesome.  At least I’ve gotten some bicycle-riding in there somewhere.  Let me just say that as someone from a very hilly neighborhood where my house was at the bottom of every hill, it is amazing living in a flat area where I can bicycle for seven miles and not really break a sweat.  I’m loving it, and am relieved that we won’t have to move out in July, because we’ve found a friend to move in come July 1st.  Now if I could just find a better (and better-paying) job so that I can afford to live here while also eating and drinking…

None of that has anything to do with this week’s installment, which found me saying NOTHING exciting about one of my favorite bands.  It did, however, show my affinity for bragging about my record collection.  It also kind of makes me want to listen to some Guided By Voices right now (I’m currently listening to a record by The Seldom Scene from 1974 that I bought used on Record Store Day because the used records were within my budget, whereas most of the RSD Exclusive titles were too rich for my lack of money ($9.99 for a 7″ record with 2 songs, one of which isn’t even new is highway robbery and complete bullshit).  I will be writing an essay about the frustrating paradox that is Record Store Day sometime soon and will post a link on here for it).

Anyhow, I really did think her username was cool.  Even if I wasn’t that into her.  I just always assume that when you pick a username like that, you expect to net nerdy guys, so you must like nerdy guys, so when a nerdy guy emails you, maybe you should write him back, because you are total nerd-bait.  If you don’t like nerds, make a username that implies a lack of respect for grammar or originality (ie, Kewpid4U, BabyGirl4Luv, etc.).  Also, it’s come to my attention that I’m not a bad looking guy.  So, whatever.  Please note that this is the second-to-last letter that I previously copied and pasted into my master file.  But don’t worry, I have PLENTY more to go through in the coming weeks.  Rest assured I still have plenty of material (including the longer piece that I keep meaning to post on Valentine’s Day, but have since managed to screw up and let three of them slip by without posting it).

So now I give you this.  Enjoy!

nice username

Sent to smotheredinpugs
Apr 12, 2010 – 9:58pm
5% Enemy 88% Friend 95% Match

Hey there,

Just had to drop a line to say you have one of the better usernames on this thing. I just had Guided By Voices week in my mind last week, where I basically downloaded weird random rarities I didn’t already own, and ripped the rest from the CDs I have. Something like 111 albums/EPs/compilations, etc…

this week I’m on a bit of a Morning Benders kick, though I saw the Wedding Present last night (I hadn’t seen them in maybe 12 years) and will probably listen to them a lot this week.

take care!

I think the 17% enemy is based solely on…

I started writing this entry after the Super Bowl.  It was the cap-off to an otherwise horrendous week that should have, by all accounts, not have been so horrendous.  I was supposed to move out of my parents’ house and celebrate.  Instead, on the day I was supposed to do these things, my bank account was frozen by New York State with ZERO notice (I am still $200 in the hole as a result of this bureaucratic bungle, which they later admitted on the phone that proper procedure was not followed in December- letter-writing campaign forthcoming).  Meanwhile, my mom had been rushed to the hospital on Tuesday.  It really was a banner week in our household.  Since then, I have been on a rollercoaster ride of hating my job and REALLY hating my job, finally moved into the new place (a house with a couple of friends, which I can barely afford, but need for the sake of my sanity, however tenuous that might be), and have tried to make myself as busy as possible while trying to get out of my current shitty job and transition simultaneously into a position where all the things I have done for shits and giggles lo these many years (booking shows, promoting bands, writing dumb shit like this) finally start to yield dividends.  If these things don’t start happening by the time I turn 40, I want one of these women to run me over again and again.  So, I’m going to leave in the original intro, as is.  It follows below, starting…now!

So, here we are again…I hope all of you eyeballs on the other side of this series of tubes are having abetter week than I.  I’m not going to get into the woes and wherefores of my shitty week, but rest assured when your mood is elevated by a sporting event you only marginally care about, it’s been a rough week.  With that, I start writing this post to distract myself (yet, while writing this I got distracted, naturally) and try to make me feel like I have some semblance of control in my currently disheveled life.

Speaking of disheveled, this particular message is a bit of a rambling mess, seemingly never finding its footing.  I do, however, enjoy some of the things I wrote in this message.  I am, if anything, a big fan of my own ridiculousness…and making fun of Burning Man (although I have to admit that one cool thing came out of Burning Man, and that would be the Steampunk Treehouse that now graces the front lawn of the Dogfish Head Brewery in Rehoboth, Delaware).


I think the 17% enemy is based solely on…

Sent to Nik100383
Mar 13, 2010 – 5:16pm
10% Enemy  84% Friend  80% Match

burning man. ha ha.

I think it’s cool you don’t really like the summer. I catch a lot of flack for that. I spent most of last summer sleeping on a couch at my parents’ house in the air conditioning because I couldn’t sleep in the sweaty city (my old apartment had the worst electrical ever, but we couldn’t complain because somehow ConEd never sent us a bill after the last person whose name it was in left, and we could only have one air conditioner on, and we couldn’t turn it on if we needed to microwave something). In fact, I lived across the street from project housing and they all had air conditioners. sometimes there are equalizers in society.

I’m sorry, I have no idea what I’m talking about. Anyhow, I just wanted to drop a line to say that you seem pretty cool and you like a lot of the same stuff as me, and also, your philosophies seem pretty in tune with mine, in terms of planned spontaneity, etc. although maybe you like nature more than I do. But right now, where I’ve retreated to in Long Island, I live across from the woods where there’s a cool hiking trail and I’m across the river from the Long Island Sound. So I don’t not like nature, but I’m not like super outdoorsy. I am gonna go kayaking this summer on the river, though.

take care,

charlatans uk (a slight deviation from format)

Okay folks, so this one is slightly different from my normal post (hence why I put a parenthetical in the title), because it was the result of one of those crazy double-blind random message dealies that used to happen on Ok Cupid but doesn’t anymore.  The idea was, and I believe I may have explained it once upon a time, that if you shared similar interests with someone, Ok Cupid would tell you to message a random stranger just because they liked something you liked as well.  So, in theory, if you liked skull-fucking and necromancing, you could message another skull-fucking necromancer sight unseen, later to be replied to, much to your horror and chagrin, by, say, your creepy uncle or some such relative.  Now, the recommendations I received were along the lines of popular music and movies I liked, but that’s only because I’m not into necromancing and skullfuckery (that I’m aware of, anyway – I mean, how do you really know unless you try it?).  I will refer you to this classic post of mine, in which the “Icebreaker” as they called it, told me that the woman in question and I shared these similar interests:  “I think you both like cooking, jew, spoon, stars, and modest mouse.

So, yeah, this lady actually messaged me first, not knowing the freak that lurked behind a shared interest in the Charlatans UK.  So, because I deemed her appealing (sorry that I can no longer link to her profile, since it no longer exists, so I can’t even remember anything about her), I replied in earnest.  Apparently, she either didn’t like what she saw or what she read (or both?), as a response to my response never arrived.  And now she’s gone from Ok Cupid, probably co-habitating with a skinny bearded Bedford Avenue type.  Maybe even one of the dude from that lame band the Drums (who I will say are decent on record, but the live show I saw was so horrendous I walked out after two songs because I couldn’t handle it at all).  Alas, I was genuinely interested in her multiple experiences seeing Meatloaf perform in concert.

charlatans uk
Message from britpoplvr
Mar 9, 2010 – 6:54pm
Sorry, britpoplvr no longer has an account.

hey there –

I’ve been told you also like the charlatans uk. Not many people here do.


Message to britpoplvr
Mar 13, 2010 – 4:30pm

I have to be honest and say that I really only love the first two albums. “White Shirt” is one of my favorite songs ever. Weirdly, when I was working at the MTV Network Operations Center, I was working with some MTV Brasil content, and “White Shirt” was the background music to a weird promo with some dancing furry creature. I couldn’t believe it. But yeah, when they released “Can’t Get Out of Bed” I thought it sounded too much like “I Missed Again” by Phil Collins. I was a much worse music snob back then.

So you’ve really seen Meatloaf multiple times? What was that like?

I have a joke about a hypothetical tattoo…

This one is actually some solid letter-writing IMHO, but I guess just not enough to interest a lady who seems to be hunting younger men, and guessing from the “ironic” use of duckface, she wants to slum it with some “Jersey Shore” cast member wannabees.  Or maybe, if I were to give her the benefit of the doubt, she just doesn’t want to deal with another hapless writer in her life.  After all, that I can understand.  If I had to deal with people like me all day, the last person I’d want to be involved with would be another one.

And then things get meta!  I may have blown it by revealing that I am actually doing a blog about these inane letters.  Or did I?  Maybe she is trying to ride my coattails by hoping I would link to her profile in my post about the letter I sent to her that she never replied to.  If this is indeed the case, she got her wish.  Damn, I hate when I play right into some scheming conniver’s plans!  Nevertheless, I dare say I gave it the old college try, I even led with a subject line that refers to her answer for “The Most Private Thing I’m Willing To Admit” and then buried said lead at the end of the message.  Or maybe she’s just not a Bob Newhart fan.  And that would be the real shame here, were it true.  Not that I would know, since I never heard from her.  Of course, I would like to point out that the reason I am probably still single is because I’ve never met a woman who gets the joke.

I have a joke about a hypothetical tattoo…

Sent to queenchoptifa
Feb 26, 2010 – 4:01am
17% Enemy  83% Friend  84% Match


Let me say right off the bat that I felt compelled to write you immediately. Oftentimes, especially at 4am, I will browse and take mental notes that I soon forget, but I rarely write emails after 3am. It starts to get a little dicey, usually. I tend to try and overthink things and be ultra clever or witty. No such luck for you this time, I’m afraid.

Anyhow, from your profile you seem like someone I would click with from the moment you see me and back slowly out of the bar.

I’m curious about your writing, as I’m currently still working on my first novel, which nobody is paying me for yet (I’m trying to have three solid chapters ready before I try to solicit anything – the writing is there, but it’s still not organized). I’m working on a blog while I procrastinate on the novel. A blog about letters I’ve sent to girls on ok cupid that haven’t gotten responses. I figured that if my friend Joe can get a deal to write the “Look At This Fucking Hipster” book, then why not?

But back to the matter at hand, I have been joking for years now that if I were to get a tattoo it would be on my back in giant letters and say “To Be Or Not To Be…That Is The Gazorninplat!” and that the first woman to get the reference would be The One.

I’m funnier than this in person, I assure you.

Happy Boxing Day!

I hope everyone is having a happy holiday.  I wrote this story recently about an event that happened a couple years ago, and I failed to get it done in time for submission anywhere (what else is new?).  So I’m posting it BYOB (bring your own blog) today over at one of my underused other blogs.  I will be back shortly with a brand new letter of woe before the New Year.  Until then, dig in!

so, one idea I had was to create a Metrognome

As promised, here is this week’s bonus post (hooray!), to take your mind off of the worst email/letter a woman has gotten from me on what I failed to realize was Valentine’s Day (I seriously just noticed this fact while scrolling through the file of all my entries this very moment)!!  An even better reason for her to have not responded.  I might as well have sent an email saying “Hey there, what has two thumbs and is single on Valentine’s Day and sitting on one of said thumbs because he’s super lonely?  This guy (I can send you a photo of me pointing at myself with my thumbs if you haven’t slit your own throat after reading this if you like)!”  Sometimes I wish I was as good at business stuff or following through on goals and dreams as I am at making fun of myself.  If self-deprecation was an Olympic event, I would probably get disqualified for juicing (on bile).  I should point out, for the record, that I am not self-loathing.  I think I am a spazz and a cartoon character in a human being’s body, but I don’t hate myself.  Most of the time, I think I’m pretty damn awesome.  And judging from the amount of women I have dated who have moved as far away from me as possible, I am way too fucking charming.  I haven’t done a final tally, but I think I have ex-girlfriends in ten states.

This post is a break from routine, as there was a response, albeit brief and never followed up on.  Too bad.  Oh well, c’est la vie… especially my la vie.  Misplaced energy is all I am good at producing.  I mean, I know that I can’t sit around and wait for things to happen, and I have to make my own luck.  So, hey, I’m trying.

And lastly, in the “oh shit, someone already made this” department, my plans to make and sell Metro-gnomes have been thwarted by another!

so, one idea I had was to create a Metrognome
Mar 3, 2010 – 3:56am
Sent to rosebud-tastic
23% Enemy  75% Friend  70% Match


I really didn’t know what to put in the subject line, but thought that this might pique your interest. I’ll let you figure out what a metrognome is (you seem pretty, witty and bright from your profile, so I’m confident you’ll figure me out). Basically, I have been spending a lot of time thinking about words that end in nome so that I can make them end in gnome. Like, if I could draw at all, I would want to make a cartoon called “David the Gastro-Gnome” voiced by Tom Bosley. Basically, David just goes around reviewing restaurants and having adventures.


I don’t want to ramble too much in this missive, but I like the cut of your jib, specifically how you reference “Say Anything” in your profile and that you don’t like Ethan Hawke. And while I don’t drive a bitchin’ camaro, Joe Jack Talcum has slept over my house (we drank Yeungling and talked about Monty Python)…


Well, I guess if any of this interests you, I’d like to hear what kind of whiskeys and steaks you like. Also, a favorite SWC quote. Mine is “All they hear is ‘Who wants cake?’ And let me tell you something. They ALWAYS want cake!” not sure if that’s why I cut back on my cake intake (incake?).


Insomniacally Yours,


Sent from  rosebud-tastic
Mar 3, 2010 – 4:00am

it is very late, and i’m about to go to sleep, but there was actually a column in one of the local weeklies from my hometown called “metrognome”. i never read it, but the title always gave me a little chortle.
good night!


I like your style

I have to say that this is perhaps my least favorite letter thus far that I’ve published on this blog.  It’s so blah-blah-blah, exposition, brag brag brag about shows and Seattle and the Smiths (the very band she name-checks in her screen name).  Gag.  Like I needed to point out who Andy Rourke was.  Condescending much?  I don’t blame her for not responding to the boring asshole who wrote this.  The only bright spots in it are  my trashing of Animal Collective (although, thanks to Mike Longo, I’ve finally heard a recording of theirs that contained an actual song and not just tuneless and rhythmless bleating and banging) and the word tricycle.  Also, I am disappointed that I didn’t include an ellipsis before the words “and your tricycle.”  I will now kick myself in the head.

In fact, because I am so disappointed in myself for having penned this drivel (without a pen, no less), I will give you a bonus entry this week to cleanse your eye-palettes from the bland offerings given here. I suppose that I wouldn’t even post this letter on the blog if it didn’t give me yet another opportunity to knock myself down a couple pegs.  What a smug jerk that me guy is.  This will show him.  “Hey, you suck…me!”  [note – as of this going live, the author has made up with himself — ed.]

I like your style
Feb 14, 2010 – 3:55am
Sent to thischarminggrl
Sorry, thischarminggrl no longer has an account.

and your tricycle.

So, which day do you have Pavement tickets for? I’m going on the Thursday.

You have some pretty cool tastes, but I have to say, I still haven’t heard anything from Animal Collective that I’ve liked.

So, did you do anything fun Saturday night? I went to see Murder City Devils with a bunch of my friends. It was one of those awesome, life-affirming moments. I hadn’t seen them since 1999 when I saw them at the Breakroom in Seattle right before I moved to Buffalo.

Today, my brother’s band is playing a show that Andy Rourke from the Smiths is DJing. I’m pretty excited.

I don’t know how to end this letter,