Dear readers,

Is it too nitpicky to decide someone isn’t worth your time when they claim ee cummings is a favorite author, but they write “EE Cummings?”  Or does it balance out when they also say they have kids?  Shouldn’t one expect a certain calibre of self-awareness and attention to detail?  If I say that Kurt Vonnegut is one of my favorite authors, wouldn’t I be remiss if I spelled his name wrong?  Or if I somehow intimated that I was unaware that Kilgore Trout was his alter-ego he dreamed up when he was feeling all self-deprecating and that he was just a hack writer in the science-fiction ghetto?  Or like saying my favorite band is The Descendants (if you don’t know why that’s wrong (because it’s spelled correctly), you need a musical education…just like if you think your favorite band is Train – because that means you hate music) or Motley Crew (that one makes me giggle for multiple reasons).

Okay, so we’ve established that I’m a bit of a curmudgeon.  I claim to be a hopeless romantic, yet I tend to look for excuses to push people away or keep them at a distance if they express interest.  Of course, I have no problem laying it on the line when I feel like I have no shot whatsoever, or that my intended feels no attraction to me whatsoever.  I’ve been instructed by my horoscope to not talk about my whatever it is that is happening, so I won’t, because I tend to talk about things too soon and ruin them.  So I’m not gonna do that.  I will, however, also mention that two completely different horoscopes mentioned that this week I’m like a super-stud or something and their may be heavy flirtations and extra-curricular activities and whatnot.  Now, I’m not saying one way or the other, but I did comment on the Facebook horoscope that said that with a “ha ha ha” because I find it ridiculous.  Mostly because I find ME ridiculous.  I DO think that I am handsome and funny and often don’t understand why I’m single, aside from the fact that I have a big mouth, a bad attitude and a tendency to become an asshole if someone gets too close to discovering my heart.  For more on that, I refer you to the story about that time I did something stupid again.

I’m sorry that it’s been over a month and a half since the previous entry, but I’ve been blocked.  I haven’t been writing.  At all.  A real writer is supposed to write at least a little bit every day to keep the mind active and the language flowing through the bloodstream.  I have been neglecting this calling.  I’ve been watching too much television and leaving the house when I’m not at work (I work nights again), because I feel cooped up if I stay in.  Although, now that winter is here, I am trying to lock myself in my room (hard to do without a lock on either side of said door) and get used to writing in it.  I actually did manage to get the big green chair up to my room and it is at the desk.  However, my desk is covered in CDs.  MANY CDs.  Oops.  Am I a borderline hoarder?  Depends on where you draw the line.  Also, the internet.  The reason why typewriters and word-processors are better for writing is lack of internet.  I am so easily distracted that I need 4 hours to do a half-hour of writing due to all the distractions I am not only susceptible to, but seemingly seeking out.  None of this has anything to do with the exchange below.  Aside from the fact that I tend to spend a lot of time trying to psyche myself up to write to a stranger, who by most counts will not reply back.  So I either try harder or not at all in a knee-jerk attempt to fix the problem, but if the problem is me, that won’t work.  And, conversely, if the problem is the woman at the receiving end, I can’t fix that, either.  The ol’ “fucked if you do, fucked if you don’t” scenario, the veritable Schroedinger’s Cat of human attraction/interaction.

So, for better or worse, I will keep myself up past 4 in the morning to write this drivel, so much ado about nothing.  In what is either a desperate bid to make connections, or a self-aggrandizing bid for internet immortality/infamy that will magically fix my psychic wounds with approval from friends and/or strangers.  Maybe it’s best if I don’t self-psychoanalyze about it.  Be more funny!  Damn blog, be more funny! Oh well, tonight, this is what you get.  This is all you’ll ever get.  I do promise that the next entry will be a return to the pure format of a letter that never got a response.  I just think it’s good to stray sometimes.  Also, I worry that I will eventually run out of material, since I NEVER expressly write a letter so it won’t get a response.  That would be dishonest.  Any letter I write has to be genuine and in the moment.  And there are gaps, either because of times I was seeing someone and inactive on the site, or because I felt so bad about myself and my situation that I wouldn’t dream of reaching out to anyone for any reason.

At least this girl messaged me back.  Sadly, we were living so far from each other in terms of navigating the subway and other forms of public transport that it was doomed to failure before anything started.  I thought it was cool that I referenced her journal post (now lost forever to the midsts of time since she no longer has an account) as an icebreaker.  Sometimes I do show a glimmer of hope when it least matters.  Although, she never said that my original message wasn’t “whatnot” – which may be an admission it was weird and/or uncomfortable, even if brief.

Hi there!

How goes it? I saw your journal entry and thought you made a good point. I still haven’t written one on this site, mostly because I have to forgive others’ trespasses or else be a hypocrite, as one of the topics I would post about being “If someone sends you a message, how hard is it to respond, as long as the guy/girl doesn’t seem like a creep?” But I’ve been guilty of not responding, or of never contacting someone again after meeting them in person. Then again, if there was a spark there, I would think that the other person might make another effort. So yeah, so I haven’t written a journal entry yet.

Anyways, after reading that, I checked out your profile and you seem pretty cool. I live in brooklyn and am always looking for someone to hang out (or hang in) with. Nothing serious, except for the fun. But yeah, I kind of feel the same way about marriage as you stated in your private thing box. My closest uncle is gay and if he can’t get married, then I don’t want to. Not that I’ve been threatened with marriage or anything, but that’s how I see it…
I hope that wasn’t too long and whatnot. Stopping now.

take care,
J

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Sent from thesinginsort

(date lost)

Hi J,

Thanks for the message. I have thus far avoided the journaling on here for that very reason, but I will contain myself from making such entries. (BTW, if there was a spark there, the girl is probably waiting for you to call – just FYI – it’s girl fact.)

It was not too long, your message, no worries. I live all the way up in W. Harlem, so I don’t frequent Brooklyn, though I do have both friends and family there.

Hope your day is great!

Rebecca

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You know, I still haven’t even been that far north in Manhattan yet! Tonight I went to see Robyn Hitchcock at Symphony Space on 96th & Broadway, which is now the furthest uptown I have ever been (and in my 35 years, I’ve spent all but ten years in and around NYC)…and I can see why you wouldn’t get to BK often. It takes forever by subway.

I work in Times Square, so I’m in Manhattan all the time if you feel like getting a drink or something sometime. We can talk about Real Genius.

Hope you’re having a fun weekend!

J