shakespeare and midgets and Haiku? Oh my!

It is once again approaching 1am on a Sunday night/Monday morning and here I am just beginning to type this post, which I ostensibly was hoping to start on two albums ago, when I popped in my Japanese import copy of Joe Pernice’s Big Tobacco CD, before popping in a purloined promo copy of a Múm CD from 2007 that appeared in a box of used CD’s at my job.  Now it’s a promo Mercury Rev CD with radio sessions I got the same way.  None of this has anything to do with the post below or the weekend I just had (aside from Mercury Rev’s “Goddess On A Hiway” playing on my iPhone while driving home from the Hudson Valley this afternoon), but I like to ramble a lot in this space so that I feel like you’ve gotten your money’s worth, you smart shopper, you.

Apropos of this website and its side-effects, I spent the weekend driving up and down the New York Thruway so I could witness the union of two very happy and nerdy people.  It was the third wedding in three Saturdays I had been to, and all three of them were the kind of wedding that shows you that True Love may actually exist on this god-forsaken green ball hurtling through space just waiting to be swallowed up by a black hole.  The ceremony, on top of a mountain, was extremely short and sweet.  Luckily, nobody could see the little trickle of water from behind my Foster Grant shades.  To hear the story of how the couple had originally met at college and dated briefly between on-again-off-again relationships only to reconnect years later when aforementioned relationships finally turned off for good, and they’ve been inseparable ever since.  It’s incredibly heartwarming to hear and powerful to witness.  And if you don’t buy the nerdy part, let me just point out that all guests received multiple books from the newlyweds.  Mine were books referring to my college nickname of Crazy Pablo.  They might not hold up as fascinating reading, but I will read them nonetheless and get back to you.  The thoughtfulness was beyond expectations.  I was just bummed I missed the processional hike up the mountain because I managed to pass out in a rest stop with the radio on, killing my battery in the process and being forced to wander the parking lot begging for a jump.  Very thankful to the kids who helped me out and asked for nothing in return.  Proof that not everyone is a self-serving jerk.  Even more thankful that I was invited to, and made it to the wedding itself.

Also glad that none of these weddings were in “typical” wedding halls that churn out marriages like a factory showroom.  If you’re going to do it, do it right and be true to who you are as a couple.  This summer’s trifecta of weddings I was invited to proved this to be a good theory.  Would have been a better one if I had managed to hook up with someone at one of them.  Especially since I was DJing one of them.  Oh well.  A Wedding Crasher, I suppose I am not.  I’d probably do well at funerals, though.  That’s where I’m a Viking (get it, oh I’m so hilarious!  This is why I’m single, no, really).  I felt honored to get to share in these events, and as much as I hate weddings, I’m a big romantic, and my heart swells with happiness for these six friends whose lives have become three this summer.  I know I at least have one more wedding this year, luckily not until October, and definitely a unique one, as I know of nobody else being wed at the Knitting Factory in Brooklyn.

But this post was not meant to be about nuptials.  I am so far away from that happening in my life.  I have had a little trouble in getting to a second date in recent times, and I can’t imagine why (please see lame joke in preceding paragraph if you either have a bad short-term memory or just don’t get sarcasm).  This post is about trying to connect with someone via the series of tubes called the interweb, that runs underground and through the air, connecting us to millions of people but not really.  It’s the reason why we stay up past our bedtimes on Sunday nights when we have work the next morning, but we allow ourselves to be distracted by our friends who are also procrastinating on being productive before bed.

Once upon a time, I wrote the woman below, and was replied to, but yet I failed to return said volley.  I think I have an inkling as to why, and if I’m correct, it’s because I had a friend I was hung up on at the time (for a long time, really) and for some reason, I kept deluding myself into thinking eventually she would break down and have no choice but to admit that she couldn’t resist my charms any longer.  This never happened.  Instead, she moved to Austin, Texas, where despite (or maybe because of) not having found a job in three-plus years, she is having a wonderful go of it.  Her moving 1800 miles away was probably also a good thing for my already-tragic dating life.  Clearly, if this hadn’t been the case at the time, I would have followed up with this young lady, whose photo of being in a stockade is sadly no longer available, as she probably found a wonderful black albino midget to spend her life with while I was hoping to get my friend drunk enough to admit her feelings for me (which was another brilliant plan of mine that definitely did NOT backfire in any way and eventually leading to her phone being stolen on the Long Island Rail Road.  Nope, that never happened).

Anyhow, I could probably just go on and on about these mishaps (and should I, I would prefer to save such over-sharing for the book I’ve been writing for 9 1/2 years (it’s like the opposite of “9 1/2 Weeks” – there’s a lot of hemming and hawing, doomed romance and one scene with chocolate and fruit being used in the bedroom, but it was really sticky and gross and not at all sexy like in the film), which would hopefully lead to people paying me for the pleasure of reading about my ridiculous train-wreck love-life (or lack thereof), because everyone loves a little schadenfreude (translated, that means “a Sigmund Freud bobble-head that does coke lines off your baby bump” because that’s a thing that happens to everyone all the time), no?
And with that last paragraph comes proof that I might need to get some sleep because I have clearly gotten loopy.  That, or I found the key to inspiration in the Vitamin String Quartet’s Tribute To R.E.M. CD at 2am.  For all of you who are reading this on Monday, I will throw some hyper-link easter eggs onto this puppy sometime before Tuesday becomes real, but at this point it is 2:25am and I really need to try and sleep before work (although the 2 hour nap from 7:30 – 9:30pm really helped this post come alive).  So without further ado, I give you “Shakespeare and midgets and Haiku!”

shakespeare and midgets and Haiku? Oh my!
Sent to ShortInsomniac
Dec 14, 2008 – 3:17am
Sorry, ShortInsomniac no longer has an account.

Hey there!
I loved that line about walking past a midget and not turning around. It reminds me of the story a friend of mine told me about how awesome her day was when she was walking down the street and passed not just a sassy transvestite, but ALSO a black albino AND a dwarf! When I said “I wonder if the albino was this guy Victor I know?” she said “Don’t take this away from me!”

Anyways, the haiku was a nice touch, I thought, and you probably get messages from people who are like “Where’s the haiku?” And I’ve got to say I got a kick out of the Grace Adler joke, because my best friend Tiffany is a lesbian, and we make a lot of “indie rock reverse Will and Grace” jokes and then one day, my brother was like “You guys are like Will and Grace, but you’re Grace” and I was like “I know! Tiffany and I have said that before.” We also get into all sorts of crazy mischief.

And I can’t let the message go out into the ether of the internets without saying that if the photos are telling the truth, your eyes are amazing! And I like the big curly hair, too. But enough seriousness…that stockade photo is the best thing I’ve ever seen on this site.

I’ve been known to make Shakespeare jokes, and although I do own the complete works (and have for many moons), I still am too lazy to read it all…maybe someday on the subway I will lug one of the big volumes with me…though I fear that i may lose all feeling in whichever arm I am holding it up with.

take care,
j

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Sent from ShortInsomniac
Dec 19, 2008 – 8:44pm

Hey J,

I’ve had several people comment on the “walking past a midget” line, but you’re the first to find a “that reminds me of a time in my own life” segue. I guess that’s something to be proud of…

Actually, nobody’s ever asked where the haiku was…I think that anyone who doesn’t get it is too frightened by the rest of my profile to even bother messaging me. I mean, a girl who gets locked up in the stocks isn’t someone you wanna mess with…

Hope you’re stayin warm!

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RE:trying to figure out the matching system here

It is once again another Sunday night and I am internally cringing at the thought of another work-week commencing at 9am (which means that I have to wake up about 7 hours from the moment I am typing this sentence, which will probably mean much less sleep than that by the time this is posted and my mind shuts the fuck up), but after recently being grabbed by the shirt collar by my unhinged boss (he seriously has issues) and then offered a half-assed promotion/raise (one of those issues is that he is a cheap fuck) when he realized that I was about to walk out of there (if I had ANY money, I would have walked out anyway, but times being what they are… I sadly need this job just a tad more than my self-respect.  At least for a little while longer.  Hopefully when summer is over, something will appear), it means that if I show up to work, I will earn (on average) an extra $16 a day, which doesn’t sound like much, but on a two-week paycheck, it’s significant.  After even a paycheck with just two days of the new position, it made a difference.  Not much of one, as I’m still too poor to pay all my bills, but I’m getting closer.

I am trying to post these on the regular again, which is hard with all these weddings and summer things going on (2 consecutive Saturdays and 2 consecutive weddings down and one more to go), and the excessive drinking that comes with being unhappy with oneself while people around you are getting married, having kids, getting actual decent jobs, etc.  Regardless, I will write myself out of this rut and that begins now!

I was looking over possible candidates for letters to publish tonight, and this one caught my fancy, because the second paragraph in my initial letter is exactly the kind of writing that comes out of me when I am in the zone, and it makes me almost remember how awesome I’m supposed to be.  Also, she wrote back, so it proves that sometimes, these things actually happen.  I then wrote her back, but after that…nothing.  I wish I knew what happened, and I wish there was a profile still there.  Somewhere out there is a Kate I almost went on a date with, and yet, I do not know what she looks like anymore, should I ever pass her on the street or at a Sonic Youth show (see this post, which I thought I posted somewhere on the internet, but couldn’t find).

Also, I know what many of you are thinking – “One American using ‘cheers’ in an email is bad enough, but TWO?  Those tossers deserve each other.  To hell with the lot of them!”  And then maybe you’re also thinking I went a little overboard on the music nerdery, and in this instance, I would concur.  I found myself cringing just a tad when I got to the paragraph about Billy Childish.  But that show WAS AMAZING!!  I was sitting two feet away from the man himself!  I know I have one friend who probably hates me for having been there.  Oh and for anyone keeping score, I’ve definitely heard the Vivian Girls in the ensuing four years since this message was sent, way back in the days when I had a decent job, an apartment in Brooklyn, and there was a stupid frat boy in the White House whose awesomeness at his job led to all of that disappearing.

RE:trying to figure out the matching system here
 Sent to drumsnguitar
Aug 30, 2008 – 2:06pm
Sorry, drumsnguitar no longer has an account.

Hi there,

60% strikes me as odd when you compare our interests and favorite bands (although to be fair, I didn’t properly list my favorite bands on here, so the fact that I’m heavily into C86 and the Wedding Present doesn’t show up, but there are no questions about C86 on this site), love of banter and repartee and food. Does this mean that you can’t judge a person by what they like, but what they’re like? Because I find when I meet people who may have similar dispositions, but dissimilar tastes, I don’t know what to say or talk about.

So, you’re into a lot of the same stuff as me, but perhaps you eat babies (well, to be fair, when it says “likes children” on the sidebar, it doesn’t exclude “…for breakfast.” Now, I’m not saying you eat children, because why would I cast aspersions as tot he character of a lady I haven’t met? But I must say, you probably don’t get too many emails from strange guys wondering if the reason for such a low match rating is cannibalism.

Anyways, I hope you have a lovely day. I’m gonna go see Sonic Youth. Yippee.

cheers,

J

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Sent from drumsnguitar
Aug 30, 2008 – 3:28pm

Hi J,

You know what bugs? There will forever be that differentiation between the Baumbach and Ferrell Kicking & Screaming. I do that all the time. One of my favorite movies (Chris Eigeman is an eternal crush). Which local bands do you like? Tell me about your label. I’m working on a piece about Vivian Girls and Crystal Stilts, both very C86/Flying Nun.

Where did you live in Seattle? I moved from there last summer. (Lived in Lower Queen Anne. Sigh. Miss that apartment.) Thanks for the note, and enjoy Sonic Youth & the long weekend — I’m envious! I never did get to McCarren for a show and it looks like that was my last chance.

Cheers,

Kate

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Sent to drumsnguitar
Aug 30, 2008 – 10:47pm

Helloooo Kate,

I totally hear you about Kicking & Screaming. I remember when the WIll Ferrel movie came out, I was all indignant about it. Also, Chris Eigeman is one of my favorite actors ever. I just noticed how all the Whit Stillman movies were on your favorites list. Then again, how can they not be?

I saw Crystal Stilts open for The Vaselines at Southpaw and thought they were amazing! I had really low expectations. I’m kind of a snob when it comes to music. My label is called ESCHE (stands for Example Such Cloth Hammer Engine – it came to me in a spam email) and I’ve put out releases by The Repercussions (the Long Island garage rock band, not the 70’s soul band or the shitty DC punk band), Space Robot Scientists, Trashed On Fiction (they have a new one coming out soon, and are still together, unlike the previous bands mentioned. please check ’em out at myspace.com/trashedonfiction), who are amazing and The Lord Humongous (also from Long Island and not a shitty Maryland punk band)…I’m still working on getting proper distribution and whatnot. I LOVE Flying Nun stuff. Also, I own the C86 comp on LP. It is one of my prized possessions.

I used to live in the U District (I worked at the Tower there for almost 3 years), and I miss going to shows at the OK Hotel (RIP) and the Breakroom. I saw Billy Childish do a reading there, followed by a semi-acoustic Thee Headcoats set. One of my favorites songs right now is the solo version of “You Make Me Die” on the cd “At The Bridge” – plus, my iPod likes to play The Buff Medways.

Oh, the Vivian Girls opened for SY, but I missed them. Haven’t heard them yet. But I own the Monks of Doom cd with the song of that name on it.

wow, i could probably talk forever about music and movies, etc…and my friends’ band is supposed to go on at 11 and it’s 10:45 and i’m still in williamsburg. they’re playing at Lit. yikes.

maybe we should meet up for coffee or drinks and chat it up?

hope your weekend is awesome (although it can’t be as awesome as mine because Sonic Youth played “Making The Nature Scene.” Sorry.

Oh and Josef K is the bomb. I just played them for my bff and she went apeshit.

–j