I hope everyone is having a happy holiday. I wrote this story recently about an event that happened a couple years ago, and I failed to get it done in time for submission anywhere (what else is new?). So I’m posting it BYOB (bring your own blog) today over at one of my underused other blogs. I will be back shortly with a brand new letter of woe before the New Year. Until then, dig in!
As promised, here is this week’s bonus post (hooray!), to take your mind off of the worst email/letter a woman has gotten from me on what I failed to realize was Valentine’s Day (I seriously just noticed this fact while scrolling through the file of all my entries this very moment)!! An even better reason for her to have not responded. I might as well have sent an email saying “Hey there, what has two thumbs and is single on Valentine’s Day and sitting on one of said thumbs because he’s super lonely? This guy (I can send you a photo of me pointing at myself with my thumbs if you haven’t slit your own throat after reading this if you like)!” Sometimes I wish I was as good at business stuff or following through on goals and dreams as I am at making fun of myself. If self-deprecation was an Olympic event, I would probably get disqualified for juicing (on bile). I should point out, for the record, that I am not self-loathing. I think I am a spazz and a cartoon character in a human being’s body, but I don’t hate myself. Most of the time, I think I’m pretty damn awesome. And judging from the amount of women I have dated who have moved as far away from me as possible, I am way too fucking charming. I haven’t done a final tally, but I think I have ex-girlfriends in ten states.
This post is a break from routine, as there was a response, albeit brief and never followed up on. Too bad. Oh well, c’est la vie… especially my la vie. Misplaced energy is all I am good at producing. I mean, I know that I can’t sit around and wait for things to happen, and I have to make my own luck. So, hey, I’m trying.
And lastly, in the “oh shit, someone already made this” department, my plans to make and sell Metro-gnomes have been thwarted by another!so, one idea I had was to create a Metrognome
Mar 3, 2010 – 3:56am
Sent to rosebud-tastic 23% Enemy 75% Friend 70% Match
I really didn’t know what to put in the subject line, but thought that this might pique your interest. I’ll let you figure out what a metrognome is (you seem pretty, witty and bright from your profile, so I’m confident you’ll figure me out). Basically, I have been spending a lot of time thinking about words that end in nome so that I can make them end in gnome. Like, if I could draw at all, I would want to make a cartoon called “David the Gastro-Gnome” voiced by Tom Bosley. Basically, David just goes around reviewing restaurants and having adventures.
I don’t want to ramble too much in this missive, but I like the cut of your jib, specifically how you reference “Say Anything” in your profile and that you don’t like Ethan Hawke. And while I don’t drive a bitchin’ camaro, Joe Jack Talcum has slept over my house (we drank Yeungling and talked about Monty Python)…
Well, I guess if any of this interests you, I’d like to hear what kind of whiskeys and steaks you like. Also, a favorite SWC quote. Mine is “All they hear is ‘Who wants cake?’ And let me tell you something. They ALWAYS want cake!” not sure if that’s why I cut back on my cake intake (incake?).
—————————-Sent from rosebud-tastic
Mar 3, 2010 – 4:00am
it is very late, and i’m about to go to sleep, but there was actually a column in one of the local weeklies from my hometown called “metrognome”. i never read it, but the title always gave me a little chortle.
I have to say that this is perhaps my least favorite letter thus far that I’ve published on this blog. It’s so blah-blah-blah, exposition, brag brag brag about shows and Seattle and the Smiths (the very band she name-checks in her screen name). Gag. Like I needed to point out who Andy Rourke was. Condescending much? I don’t blame her for not responding to the boring asshole who wrote this. The only bright spots in it are my trashing of Animal Collective (although, thanks to Mike Longo, I’ve finally heard a recording of theirs that contained an actual song and not just tuneless and rhythmless bleating and banging) and the word tricycle. Also, I am disappointed that I didn’t include an ellipsis before the words “and your tricycle.” I will now kick myself in the head.
In fact, because I am so disappointed in myself for having penned this drivel (without a pen, no less), I will give you a bonus entry this week to cleanse your eye-palettes from the bland offerings given here. I suppose that I wouldn’t even post this letter on the blog if it didn’t give me yet another opportunity to knock myself down a couple pegs. What a smug jerk that me guy is. This will show him. “Hey, you suck…me!” [note – as of this going live, the author has made up with himself — ed.]I like your style Feb 14, 2010 – 3:55am Sent to thischarminggrl Sorry, thischarminggrl no longer has an account.
and your tricycle.
So, which day do you have Pavement tickets for? I’m going on the Thursday.
You have some pretty cool tastes, but I have to say, I still haven’t heard anything from Animal Collective that I’ve liked.
So, did you do anything fun Saturday night? I went to see Murder City Devils with a bunch of my friends. It was one of those awesome, life-affirming moments. I hadn’t seen them since 1999 when I saw them at the Breakroom in Seattle right before I moved to Buffalo.
Today, my brother’s band is playing a show that Andy Rourke from the Smiths is DJing. I’m pretty excited.
I don’t know how to end this letter,