Hello folks (to steal a line from my friend, the great JFOD)!  It’s July 3rd and I have no life and am 1800 miles from most of my friends and family on a self-imposed exile that was supposed to make me feel better about myself.  It’s almost working.  However, living in a city where it’s like 100 degrees everyday makes it hard for me to want to take long walks, since I don’t like to die of heat stroke on a daily basis.  I’m really glad I moved here in time for summer.

In the “other decisions I almost immediately regretted” department, I recently sent an email to a young lady whose profile seemed hi-larious (and perhaps a little too well thought-out to be very social) while stone cold sober (clearly a mistake), and was met with all sorts of confusion and awkwardness, but not in a good way.  Overall, though, I like how she thought the first message was sarcastic, but didn’t get the sarcasm of the sarcastic message.  Or have any understanding of the concept of home recording.

She might as well have said “I am not nearly as funny as my profile indicates.  In fact, I am pretty much retarded and have no comprehension of the fact that my profile references the song “Kiss Off” by Violent Femmes and that people use machines to record music and say things by talking.  Why would anyone compliment me for something I wrote on the internet?  I have no self-esteem and view every single word someone throws at me as if they were flinging poo from their monkey cage.  Please do not ever message me, for I cannot carry on a text-based conversation in a world without a font for sarcasm.”

But I will let you judge for yourself.  I have included every back-and-forth.  I will refrain from posting her username for now.  But here is the entire conversation.  I have italicized her responses to make it hopefully less confusing for you, the reader.  Hard to believe it all happened within the span of 27 minutes.  I think that will be my new movie script for Hollywood.  If you steal it, I will come after you. Enjoy!

Sent to Jxllyrxgxd
Jul 3, 2011 – 7:49pm
16% Enemy  72% Friend  82% Match

Wow, you crack me the fuck up!

Also, props for referencing a Violent Femmes song that isn’t “Blister In The Sun.” I have a mixtape from freshman year of college (1991) that has “Blister In The Sun” on it and I want to go back in time and tell 17 year old me that I will regret it later. And to put “Country Death Song” on the mix instead.

I have nothing interesting to say. I moved to Austin to fuck around on my 4-track cassette and finish old songs, but I plugged it in today and it’s broken! after driving it 2800 miles!

Have a shpedonkle day!
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Jul 3, 2011 – 7:51pm

• I can’t tell what parts of your message aren’t meant to be sarcastic… if any…

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Jul 3, 2011 – 7:54pm

surprisingly, none of it.  Sorry about that.  For some reason, I’m not feeling sarcastic today.  I should get that checked out.

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Jul 3, 2011 – 7:55pm

• You moved to Austin to fuck around?

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Jul 3, 2011 – 7:58pm

yes. i moved away from brooklyn to be a manwhore because I used up the hipster girl populace. all of it.

and we’re back. phew. I got worried for a minute.

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Jul 3, 2011 – 8:00pm

• Well, that sounds grand. Good luck with your fuckery.

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Jul 3, 2011 – 8:05pm

I thought we were a doing a bit. you say i am not being sarcastic enough, so I go to plaid and…oh well.

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Jul 3, 2011 – 8:10pm

• I didn’t say that you weren’t being sarcastic enough, I was just curious if your first message was written in sarcasm, since it seemed to have been. Honestly I have no idea what you’re saying, and I’m sort of assuming you’re drunk.. perhaps?

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Jul 3, 2011 – 8:16pm

i am totally not drunk. and there was no sarcasm in the original message. the one about manwhoring was sarcasm. when i said i came to austin to fuck around on my 4-track, i was talking about a device that records music. and it’s broken. and the purpose of my leaving ny was to get away and work on finishing old recordings.

sorry if that was confusing. i’ll leave you to your regularly scheduled programming now.