hi, i saw your default photo and…

Damn, so this is another one I wish I had posted sooner.  As a result of my delays, I don’t have a photo to show you of a girl with a giant coffee mug obscuring her face (well, here’s one that’s not the girl I wrote to).  Just one of me with a giant coffee mug obscuring my face… Anyhow, if you don’t know by now, I am posting EVERY email I sent that garnered no response, usually in chronological order.  Since I put the time stamp in every letter I post, you can do all sorts of quantitative studies about the peaks and valleys of when I am most prolific (here’s a hint:  it usually is after 11pm and involves drinking).  Hell, you can make pie charts and Venn Diagrams* if you wish!  Or weird charts I don’t know the names of, like this one.

This one exhibits a short and sweet approach, and I can’t imagine why I never heard back.  Also, please note that the 0% match percentages have been replaced by “Sorry, x no longer has an account.” So from now on, so will my posts.  Oh and happy PI day!

hi, i saw your default photo and…
Sent to flightofthe
Oct 12, 2009 – 4:33pm
(Sorry, flightofthe no longer has an account.)

it reminded me of the 2nd photo on my profile.

I thought our photos should get to know each other, since they clearly like faces being obscured by big ass coffee mugs.

Hope you’re having a good day and drinking from a giant mug (I was drinking from a regular sized Ministry of Silly Walks mug today)!

*Please buy me this shirt, size L.  Thanks!

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Hi there! (super-original subject line, drunk Jake of the past)

Now, this one is perplexing to me as to why I didn’t get a response.  Not sure if it’s because at the time I may have checked the box for casual sex, or if not that, then the fact that perhaps I didn’t have my shit together?  I did write her three months after my shit was made untogether by outside forces.  Oh wait, it’s because I told her she was cute!!  I forgot that you’re not allowed to say that…

And now that I am checking her profile, and she mentions taking a sketch-comedy writing class at UCB, I’m just like “WTF???”  I was taking one at the PIT when I wrote her!  Everyone who reads this should message this girl to tell her that shit together or not, I am better than any other man she will find on this site who isn’t me (sorry to my friends who are also single men on here, but you know it’s true in this case).  Although, she is a Gemini, and those bitches are flat out nuts (don’t deny it Gemini ladies, you’ve trifled with me before and you run hot and cold like a freaking Moen)…

But seriously, it’s just not enough to be awesome in your own mind for some women, you gotta have a job or a fancy car or like a tattoo of a dragon on your face.  Nothing says “My life is exactly where I want it to be!” than this face! That is just a level of self-assuredness that I, as a super-neurotic Jew, can never achieve in eight lifetimes.

I’d also like to post an editor’s note that last week, I was mistaken in my attribution of a particular look to the lady emailed in that post.  The woman I described is still on okcupid, and that letter will be featured soon.  I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.  I have also posted this note on last week’s post, so sorry if you are reading it twice.  No, you know what?  I’m not sorry.  Read it twice!  Anyhow, this girl is still kind of cute, even though she is nearly two years older than when I wrote to her.  Also, I am a lot more sober than when I wrote to her, I am certain.

Hi there!
Sent to flickergrl
Sep 30, 2009 – 3:34am
21% Enemy 82% Friend 87% Match

Hi!

I clicked on your profile because you recently visited mine. I was trying to figure out why the match percentage was so low, because so much of what you put in your profile jibes with my philosophies.

especially about being a jaded new yorker, but still a hopeless romantic at heart and just wanting to find a best friend you can’t keep your hands off of. I seem to find either one or the other.

You seem really cute and fun and maybe you’d want to hang out and see if we can’t be cute and fun together?