I like a lady

Okay, so I remember exactly what this lady looked like, if I remember correctly.*  Pretty sure she was the one with a photo of her on the hood of a vintage auto, with cat glasses frames, a pink cardigan and her hair pinned back.  Kind of a 50’s pin-up librarian look going on.  I was definitely into that.  If I recall correctly, she was an 83% match.  I don’t remember the friends vs enemies percentages, but I’m thinking something like 89% friend, 11% enemy.  As I read this checklist (letter doesn’t really do the term “letter” justice), I feel as though there was no personality conveyed at all.  So, yeah, I would give myself a D (for Disappointing) on this message.  She was definitely within reason for not responding.  Also, I think she may have been about 5’7″ or so with a penchant for heels, and even though I can be a heel myself, I am maybe 5’8″ on a good day.

Nevertheless, it can’t really hurt to just respond to a guy who isn’t asking you to crush bugs in socks, or whatever it is those pervs with no shirts on in their photos are into…Nevertheless, the way things are going in my life right now, I feel like changing my entire profile so that it basically says “I have no job, no money and nothing to offer.  If you are looking to fix a broken man, drop me a line.”  I think I might actually do better with that than the novel on my profile now, and it would definitely get more responses than any of these letters.  Especially since I’m not really in a position right now to really care about someone else, because I am trying to get my own shit back together.  I’m not really letting you guys take a look behind the curtain, but just kind of putting the perspective onto it.

Or maybe she just wanted a science writer who wears fedoras.  If so, then I could never please her.  Well, I promised myself that I wouldn’t let myself go eat this until I posted a blog tonight.  Mission accomplished!

I like a lady
Sent to hvnly3c
Jan. 14, 2009 – 1:40am
% Enemy % Friend % Match

with red hair and a firm handshake….

wearing socks is also a plus.

i’m drinking a Brooklyn Black Chocolate Stout as I write this…

but yeah, I am this guy:
beard – check
You like to read – currently reading “The Wordy Shipmates”
You enjoy art, writing and/or science (I write)
You like “Six Feet Under” – check
You like to drink GOOD beer – check and mate
You like hats (but yet I don’t have a hat face)
You are single – check

hope you’re enjoying a good beer right now as well…

 

* [Editor’s note:  I did not remember correctly, as it appears I was mistaken in my attribution of a particular look to the lady emailed in this post.  The woman I described is still on okcupid, and that letter will be featured soon.  I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.]

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math and being blonde

What’s got two thumbs and types with his feet planted firmly in mouth?  This guy (pointing to self)!  This may just be my most self-explanatory letter in terms of not getting a response.  I mean, you’d have to be reaching deep down into your fish barrel to want to reply to this asshole.  Sadly, this asshole is me.  At least this letter had personality, albeit a little bit off…

math and being blonde
Sent to EffingEh
Jan. 14, 2009 – 1:24am
% Enemy % Friend % Match

aren’t those contradictions?
j/k
says the guy who is only good at english and being a brunette.
oh like you haven’t heard that before.
boxed wine is the only wine i’ve ever gotten drunk on.*

*note:  this statement is patently untrue if you count Manischewitz Concord Grape as wine.  I once brought a bottle to a party (hey, it was $8 and I’m a cheap Jew) and proceeded to drink pretty much the entire thing myself.  I became something of a folk hero at that party…until I couldn’t stop puking Manschewitz Concord Grape all over the lawn

(slightly off topic) – Meet Senior Singles

Okay, I know I’m old, but really???

Email I received today:

Subject: Meet Senior Singles
From:  Singles Over 50

Interested in meeting Senior Singles in your area?

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Your Membership Includes:
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Post Office Box 12627
Dallas, TX 75225

so, ANY Mel Brooks movie?

This one is just me being a wiseass (and a total nerd) and having it blow up in my face by not having my mailbox blow up later.  Another example of my offbeat sense of humor, my arcane knowledge of minor films by major directors and my total lack of filter.  Not that it matters, really.  I mean, they say it’s a numbers game, but also, if someone doesn’t think you’re funny off the bat, just imagine how it will be 4 years down the line if you were to keep making the same corny jokes over and over that she didn’t like on the first contact?  You would most likely end up in an ER with some nasty knife wounds.  I dunno.  If you ask me, if you’re that big a Mel Brooks fan that you say you can quote lines from any of his films, then you should want to have my (Jim Henson’s) borscht babies…I call shenanigans!

so, ANY Mel Brooks movie?
Sent to honeyjacks
Jan. 14, 2009 – 1:16am
% Enemy % Friend % Match

don’t worry, I won’t ask you to quote the Twelve Chairs…

but yeah, I cannot hear “Why don’t you go where fashion sits” without hearing Peter Boyle warble “putting on the riiiiiiiiiiiiitz!”

when you say you don’t like romantic comedies, are you disqualifying all cameron crowe movies?