your profile keeps crossing my path

In retrospect, I know exactly why this one didn’t get a response.  I totally dissed this girl unknowingly like three times.  [although, according to The Game, wouldn’t that make her want me more? – Ed.]

1) I see you on here all the time but can’t bring myself to write you (because you’re undesirable)

2) you seem pretty cool (as a friend, because you’re not pretty enough)

3) interests-wise (again, you’re not attractive enough)

These conjectures are based on a total hindsight analysis on my part, and not what I subconsciously projected at the time of writing this letter.  I should also mention that not all that long ago, I saw this woman at a singles mixer at Diamond Bar in Greenpoint that was organized by Word Books (where one of the girls from a previous letter once worked, with a friend of mine).  She really didn’t talk to any guys.  She will likely die alone and be eaten by her cats.  I almost went home with a British girl that night, but I am pretty sure I screwed that one up somehow.  I got her number, but I texted her instead of calling.  I am a dolt.

Otherwise, I can’t think of a reason why this woman wouldn’t write me back minutes after reading my letter.  Especially since her profile now says :

“I spend a lot of time thinking about

music, boys, silly blogs[…]”

You should also know that I did indeed rate her FIVE stars on there.  So, it’s not like I was really thinking any of those horrible things.  Maybe she was just scared at how perfect for her I am.  Yes, that must be it!

your profile keeps crossing my path
Sent to canyouwink
7% Enemy 82% Friend 90% Match
Nov. 8, 2008 – 5:40am

but yet I haven’t sent you a message. I can’t tell you why I haven’t, since you seem pretty damn cool and a likely candidate to at the very least hang out and have a good time with (interests-wise, i mean).

Anyhow, just dropping a line to say hi.

Hope you’re well.

[According to the “IceBreakers” supercomputer, I might have wanted to mention that we both  like sushi, vegetarian, six feet under, twin peaks, and trivial pursuit.”  I guess my friend failed to mention that to her as well, because she didn’t reply to him, either!]

lenny bruce is not afraid

All I recall is that her profile mentioned some line from “It’s the End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)” – but I can’t remember what.  I can’t believe I forgot to close parentheses in the first full sentence of this letter, so I guess I can’t blame her for not replying, though by not replying, she infers that she did not giggle at the least from this letter, which, if just to toot my own horn (which I don’t do as I write these letters, you perverts), was a pretty awesomely bad letter.

What’s surprising is that I mention a sandstorm in the first paragraph, but don’t mention Jawas, even though I mention all the Star Wars references I usually make in the second paragraph without actually making a Star Wars reference.

lenny bruce is not afraid
Sent to Laurita96
20% Enemy 76% Friend 78% Match
Nov. 7, 2008 – 2:25am

Hi there!

I’m Jon (sometimes J) and I love to make puns which range from incredible to groan-inducing, and i’m pretty sure that when I try to wink it looks like I have a disorder of some sort (or at least got caught in a sandstorm.

I think dinosaurs are cool and whether I am cognizant of it or not, I tend to make at least one Star Wars reference in the course of the day (and I don’t even think it’s the best trilogy, but it’s just nerdy enough but mainstream enough to use as a touchstone in a conversation). If you’ve read this far you have now realized that I might have eaten alone during lunch period too many times in high school. I assure you it had to do with inconvenient scheduling and not my being anti-social, thought I’m sure that contributed.

You seem pretty cool so I figured I’d drop a line and say hi.

If this message made you giggle even a little, write me back.

take care,

this is gonna sound weird… (the sequel)

I said “weird” a lot in this email, so that was kind of strange.  I think from her photos I may have seen her around Brooklyn, perhaps even tending bar.  Join me tomorrow when I quote R.E.M. lyrics for reasons that escape me now.

[But we do have so much to talk about according to OkCupid.  Mostly because “I think you both like the shins, bob dylan, get up kids, and cursive.” And that makes all the difference]

this is gonna sound weird…
Sent to shanon1118
15% Enemy 77% Friend 80% Match
Nov. 5, 2008 – 11:58pm

but i always say “Good times…great oldies.” I’m weird like that. I also am into good times and great oldies. So maybe it isn’t that weird.

What’s weird is that I still haven’t read any Bukowski after all this time.

My college poetry professor (who wrote the book they use to teach poetry) was like the anti-Bukowski. They appeared in the same anthology once (I saw it in the documentary on Bukowski). I thought that was funny.

Oh yeah, hi. How’s it going?

breaking the ice

Alright, so this one is actually pretty straightforward, and may contain the best line I’ve ever written to another human being, in terms of being simultaneously self-aggrandizing and self-deprecating.  If I could do this in reverse, I would beat The Game at picking up women.  Unfortunately for women, I don’t know how to give a backhanded compliment without sounding like I’m doing it wrong.

I don’t know when this woman changed her profile, as I haven’t looked at it in over a year, but on further inspection, none of that skydiving stuff seems to be there now.  What’s Up With That?

breaking the ice
Sent to llylu
15% Enemy 84% Friend 83% Match
Nov. 5, 2008 – 10:01pm

Hi there!

I just wanted to say that aside from jumping out of airplanes (something I’ve never done nor do I expect to do due to the klutz factor), I agree about how those other activities are enhanced when you have someone to share them with. I mean, heck, with the right person, almost anything can be enjoyable (save perhaps a Kenny G concert).

Anyhow, you seem pretty neat and not at all harsh on the eyes, so I figured I’d say hi.

Also, I know lots of random facts that are exactly that. I won’t tip my hand now, but suffice to say, you won’t see it coming and then you’ll wonder if it was worth it.

take care,

[I don’t know if I broke OkCupid’s computer by using the phrase “Breaking the Ice” in the subject line, but there were no “IceBreakers” listed for this email.]

do you often date blobs?* (This young lady had a photo where she erased someone in the photo with her)

This is a Boxing Day treat for you, my dear readers.  This is about the closest I’ve come to writing a one-liner in a letter.  I don’t know why this didn’t get a response.

[checking now to see what I could have mentioned in a conversation with her, OkCupid says “I think you both like cat power, and lost in translation.”  Wow, that sounds like we would be the happiest couple to ever couple if we listened to a computer!]

do you often date blobs?*
Sent to pxl3
17% Enemy 77% Friend 75% Match
Oct. 30, 2008 – 10:10pm

Hi there,
I came across your profile and you seem pretty chill. I loved the photoshop work. It looks like the Grimace of Anti-matter.

Hope you have a good night.

*Grimace of Anti-matter not included

Hi there *(notice lack of witty subject line or exclamation point)

So yes, genital readers, my previous post entitled “i’ve given up on witty subject lines” was clearly not an empty threat.  So for Christmas, the day we celebrate our lard and savory, Horzak the Wonderfully Colored Plastic Sheep, I give you a funny letter to an unappreciative lass (alas, with a lazy subject line), who might be too tall for me anyway.

She had a lot of funny photos on her profile, too.  I like funny photos that prove a woman can have fun.  If you can’t have fun, we won’t work out.  I don’t take many things seriously.

Hi there
Sent to unrapunzel
17% Enemy 89% Friend 81% Match
Oct. 23, 2008 – 9:18pm

So, I was about to send you a message when my work laptop (my real laptop died a week ago today) freaked out and shut itself down…I don’t know if that means anything, but nevertheless, here I am.

I’d seen your profile a few times before and you seem like a pretty cool gal, at least if you’re half as fun as you think you are (hee hee). I hadn’t messaged you before mostly on the height issue, but you quoted “So I Married An Axe Murderer” in your profile, so I had to bite.

Maybe if you don’t mind having drinks with a guy who is arguably 5’9″ [Yes, Marta, I know how tall I really am, so shut your cakehole – Ed.] and whose hair is either dark brown or black (these are the two biggest debates about me – the awesomeness is unanimous). Oh and I like to do Sean Connery (by way of Celebrity Jeopardy on SNL) impressions, then hit me up on here.

Have a great night,

i’ve given up on witty subject lines

The first thing you may be thinking is that I dealt my hand WAY too soon on this one!  If I start with nothing witty, though, can’t it only get better?  Pretty sure there’s one coming up soon that has the subject line “I’m not even going to try.”  Ha ha.

If you’re going to have a screen name that references something only a small minority of people are going to get, you could at least respond to someone who gets it.  The thing that annoys me, and one of the reasons I started this endeavor, is that I am NOT one of those guys that all the girls on OkCupid complain about, who only message things like “Hay mami, wutz up, I want to lick them funbagzHit me up on Myspace.”  Maybe the reason YOU aren’t meeting anybody is because you aren’t even responding to the decent looking guys with a job (well, I did have one at the time) and a life, who can string together a sentence without using a “z” where an “s” should go.

Eh, whatevs.  Maybe these women don’t have anything interesting to say, or think that they don’t.  And if you don’t think you’re interesting enough to converse with a stranger who has written you first, then I don’t know what to tell you.

Well, Happy (it’s not really your) almost Birthday, Jesus!

i’ve given up on witty subject lines
Sent to marbleindexer
8% Enemy 89% Friend 86% Match
Oct. 18, 2008 – 7:35pm

Hi, how’s it going?

I’m guessing from your screenname you like Nico. I remember when I was in high school how I thought I was like so undergound and cool because I was into the Velvet Underground and Bob Dylan and the Pixies (it was the year before Nirvana broke,and I was literally one of like 3 people in my high school who listened to like The Smiths and the Cure).

Anyhow, you seem pretty cool, so I figured I would just drop a line and say that.

take it easy,

Zardoz? Wow.

This one is for @matzamafia, because I know how much he is going to love the subject line.  You’re welcome, Jacob.

In this episode, I try a new tactic – bad movie fandom.  Apparently, my mistake was to be overexcited by someone being a fellow bad movie connoisseur.  Perhaps I could have asked what other bad movies she enjoyed.  Is it possible that my tagging of “Zardoz” as a bad movie offended her?  Maybe I could have asked her if she had seen the Raul Julia made-for-PBS extortion scheme “Overdrawn at the Memory Bank” – perhaps the worst-made (post 1980) movie I’ve had the thrill of intaking through my ocular cavities.

Oh, and no thanks to televenrues corp for taking down all you tube footage of Jim Kelly wearing a jetpack in “Black Samurai.”  Fuckers.

If you loved “Pulled pork, whiskey & bob dylan…” you will merely tolerate “Zardoz? Wow.”

Zardoz? Wow.
Sent to iliveinabodybag
17% Enemy 72% Friend 81% Match
Oct. 18, 2008 – 5:01pm

Hey there. I couldn’t help but notice that you love Zardoz. That’s kind of amazing. I’ve only seen it once, on the big screen, after hours at the movie theater my friends work at, after years of being told I needed to see it.

I love doing Sean Connery impressions, especially “The penis is bad. The sword is good.”

 [Editor’s note – Jacob, I’m sure this is slightly inaccurate, much as the words “Play it again, Sam” were not uttered in “Casablanca“]

It’s not the only bad movie I enjoy. One of my favorites of all time is Black Belt Jones. Kung fu and blaxploitation all rolled into one awesome movie with Jim Kelly and Scatman Crothers. Who could ask for anything more?

Anyhow, hope you’re doing well.

i like food and you like food…

This is certainly not the fifth time I’ve mentioned food in an email (nor anywhere near the last), but considering that it was a big part of this young lady’s profile, I assumed it was a good icebreaker.  In fact, this may have been the least weird email i’ve ever written to a stranger.

Also, I was upfront about my lack of a static identity – so where are my points for honesty?  Next time I’ll just email “Hi, I’m a Jew who likes food and lives in New York, too.  I think our mothers would approve.  You can tell her my Hebrew name is Yakov Avraham.  Jewish moms eat that shit up like I eat matzoh ball soup.  Much like the soup my mom just made…”  That would work.  Ha ha ha.

I love coming up with these little introductions off the top of my head so you folks can see just how much my mind works like a hamster on a squeaky wheel with alcohol in the water bottle.  Speaking of alcohol, I think it’s time to go to my friend’s beverage distributor store and trade in some empties for more beer.  And maybe stop somewhere for some whiskey.

So now I present to you a letter to someone who still has an active account (ie, the link works today!)…

i like food and you like food…
Sent to cbw7830
12% Enemy 88% Friend 85% Match
Oct. 12, 2008 – 3:56am

and apparently, we’re both good at finding good food. so maybe we should meet up for drinks and discuss food?

I’m sure finding delicious things to eat isn’t all we have in common. There’s the not-so-serious Judaism, too…

Oh and by the way, I’m Jon (or J. I’m also working on getting people to call me Jake, because Jon is kinda done, and I’ve never felt like one).

Nice to almost meet you.

Sorry that this was the best I could come up with at 4am.

[If I had had this handy “Icebreakers” tool at the time of writing this letter, I could have known that we should be doing the Humpty hump because “I think you both like paul auster.”  That’s what I did wrong!  I should have mentioned Paul Auster.  Had I even read any Paul Auster as of 14 months ago?  I think I deserve another shot!]

Pulled pork, whiskey & bob dylan…

In retrospect, the only word I needed to put in this letter was “YES!”  I mean, how awesome are those three things being in a woman’s profile?  By typing anything other than “YES!” I was showing my hand, mainly the fact that I was 35, hate the Doobie Brothers, and possibly a sociopath.  Not that I would take back anything I said.  I am not a fan of taking anything to the streets, especially “It” – I mean, if they made a musical of Stephen King’s book about a psycho clown named Pennywise, what do you think the main song would be called?  Yes, that’s right “Taking ‘IT’ To The Streets!”  I have just now succeeded in keeping myself awake for many more nights to come.

Anyhow, her profile is deleted now, but if she’s the person I think she was, she worked at a cool bookstore and through some random social networking, found her facebook profile through a mutual friend, but was just not creepy enough to go to the bookstore to see her (okay, I went, but she wasn’t there and I decided to go record shopping instead).  Later, OKC said she moved back to wherever she came from.  Oh well.

And FYI, that thing about why I hate the Doobies is 100% true.  Not even appearing on “What’s Happening” could make me like them.

Pulled pork, whiskey & bob dylan…
Sent to lowbrowfoodie
1% Enemy 96% Friend 92% Match
Oct. 11, 2008 – 5:10pm

Are three of the best things about life. Have you ever been to the Double Down Saloon on Ave A? I hadn’t been until last week and I’m pretty sure that I had all three of those things there.

I gotta tell you, though, Michael McDonald was a Doobie Brother, and I can’t jive with that…I think it has something to do with when I was five and “Listen to the Music” was on the radio and I thought they were singing “The whole world wants to abuse you/the whole world wants to abuse you” instead of “woah woah listen to the music…” So I don’t know if it was my fault or theirs. In retrospect, though, I gotta say, I was a smart five year old to read into that message….

This just went on too long. But I saw your profile and you seem really cool in a way that might click with me.

Take care,