RE:Hey Cowboy…

Okay, I know this is only my second post, but this one strays a little from the formula by being a response that was never responded to.  You all should know that I am going in chronolgical order, starting from when I first signed up for OkCupid.com.  As to why I never heard back from this young lady is abundantly clear by wordcount alone.  The content of the words just sends the boat over the waterfall and into the rocks below.  So now I present to you the longest email sent to a stranger provoked only by a one sentence pick-up line.  Sometimes I wonder if I’m secretly just Rain Man, but without the mathematical capabilities.  I hope you kids like this one…

(original message):

Hey Cowboy…
Message from LaraNYC
Mar. 20, 2008 – 1:12pm

Come here often…?

(my response):

RE:Hey Cowboy…

Sent to LaraNYC
22% Enemy 81% Friend 75% Match

Mar. 20, 2008 – 4:38pm
Thank you, nobody has ever used that line on me before. Conversely, I have never used it either. Not seriously anyway. Then again, I rarely act very serious. Not because I think everything is a joke, but most things are. At least life is. So yeah, I just joined OK Cupid last week because a friend suggested it. I like that it at least know that dating websites are tacky and that the tongue is firmly in cheek. We’ll see how I feel after meeting any of these women in person, though (most internet-facilitated encounters for me have been painfully funny, with an exception here or there)…

Let me say that I read through your entire profile and journal and even though I know that you can say one thing about what you’re looking for, but find something slightly different and it’s not a big deal because some things aren’t set in stone, like who/what you’ll be attracted to (and by what I mean features and style, not animals or inanimate objects), but I feel it only fair in the interests of full disclosure:

-I have no tattoos or piercings, though I often joke about how if I was to get a tattoo, it would be on my back and it would say “To be or not to be…that is the gazorninplat” (bonus points if you know the joke and the comedian – i’ve never met anyone who has gotten it).

-I’m not sure if I am technically 5’9″ – I think I am, but I could be wrong. Then again, there is some debate as to whether my hair is black or brown, so it’s not me making an outrageous claim. I promise I am taller than 5’7″ but shorter than 5’10”.

-I do not know the thread count of my sheets, but I did buy them myself and am pretty sure they said 300 or more. Also, my room is not fully decorated yet (I moved in in November and am a little lazy when it comes to unpacking), but the apartment is mostly clean and hospitable, because my roommate Owen’s girlfriend has had a hand in it. So, yes, I have roommates at age 34 (I was living by myself in a all-year converted summer cottage for about 5 years, but it was on Long Island and terribly isolated).

– I have never had a leather jacket, but have thought about it a bunch. I fear it would be too warm. I can’t wear heavy coats outdoors or sweaters indoors, though sometimes I wish I could. I am a t-shirt and jeans guy most of the time, out of sheer necessity. And right now, I’m trying to fight a slightly bulging belly. It’s not huge, but I have no torso, so it makes me feel fat. I’m trying to work on a regimen that will allow me to drink some (good) beer but still let me regain my old cut-ness.

But everything I said about myself is true.

Now with that out of the way, I must say I am intrigued. I’m definitely looking for someone who is interesting and independent and not a chameleon, personality-mooch or clinger (or Corporal Klinger, for that matter). I like that you’re a writer and artistically minded and not a stick figure. Much like a Monty Python sketch, I have no idea how to end this letter.
  All I know is that i’ve been writing this on company time when I could be goofing off in other ways. Is this too long a message to respond to just 5 words?

Hope I haven’t bored you to death or scared you off,

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