Monthly Archives: May 2010

you sure think about brains an awful lot…

Posted on by J-Ro

At long last, we have reached the final post from the original blog on tumblr.  I promise to post the ultra-special super-entry within the week, to officially inaugurate this lovely new site (thank you WordPress, your elegance and ease-of-use is almost confusing in its non-confoundingness).  Before I leave you to re-read something old, let me just say that the letter below is one of my favorite posts on this site.  As an added bonus, I will be adding a few fun hyperlinks for you to enjoy.  So, enjoy!

So anyways, I haven’t posted in over two weeks, and that is a major faux-pas to a budding bloglodyte.  In my defense, I was working on a superawesometastic Valentine’s Day post, but it was just simply too involved to be put together in a slapdash manner.  You guys are going to have to wait a little longer for that post.  It will hopefully be worth it.  I’m sure you will all think so.  That post is now going to be saved for a VERY SPECIAL OCCASION that is coming soon to an interweb near you (except for you, young Timothy Foo).

I have purchased the domain okcupidletters.com and will soon be migrating content over to that domain on a new site.  I really like tumblr, and will continue to post entries here in parallel, but I don’t understand why most tumblr people just repost other people’s photos and things and think that it’s a waste of time and bandwidth to repost photos of pretty girls…So I am moving to a more mature and wordcentric blog platform. So now that I have built up that blog-post to the point where it can’t help but be disappointing to you when it does get published on http://okcupidletters.com in the very near future.  As for now, you’ll just have to muddle through another short but sweet post…

Now, I view these letters as ovum, waiting to be fertilized by a reply.  If it doesn’t get a reply, the letter is flushed down the toilet like period soup, but with commas and colons involved.  I would like to reiterate that all of these letters are honest-to-goodness attempts to make a legitimate connection with a stranger on the internet.  I guess that just makes me strange.  To me, these are snapshots of my soul, dangling on a virtual string for you to judge.

What we have here is one of my best subject line/opening sentence combinations.  I have no idea what kind of imagined case of Herpes Simplex 2 prevented this young lady from even acknowledging the wit contained herein.  I mean, just two hours ago, a lovely lass had the decency to quickly reply in reference to my subject line, although she was on her way to bed and didn’t have time to fully absorb the majesty contained within said message.  Of course, those are now words that I can’t post here.  See, I have a filter!  Regardless, it is time to foist this upon you:


you sure think about brains an awful lot…
Sent to kit_kit
Jan. 8, 2009 – 4:03am
9% Enemy 82% Friend 88% Match

are you a zombie? A zombie who can pass for cute and then when I fall asleep you eat my brains? very cunning, indeed!

For reals, though, your description of a Sunday sounds awesome, though to tell you the truth, “morning” for me on a Sunday seems to be more like noon (on an early day). I’m glad you were able to bring some Vonnegut books with you, as life without them just seems wrong. Your paragraph about music really got to me. In my solo acoustic sets, I used to cover “Pretty Eyes” (The Natural Bridge is still my favorite Joos record, despite everyone who touts American Water as the be all, end all).

Welcome to NY.

*(Oh and as always, the Icebreaker function had plenty to say on our matchitude.  Observe:  “I think you both like cooking, cardigans, johnny cash, the beatles, and the kinks.” – as expected, context has no bearing on this algorithm.  I totally like Cardigans, the band, but not cardigans, the type of sweater.  The woman in the profile clearly wears the sweaters.)

dropping a line (2 – electric boogaloo)*

Posted on by J-Ro

Welcome to Redhead Week here at OKCLTNGRHQ (aka my semi-secluded suburban residence during my in-between drone jobs phase).  What that means is that I’ve actually sent out a few letters on OkCupid this week, all to redheads (Note: letters were sent to four young ladies, but one appears to NOT be a redhead. – Ed.)

Since life is no fun if you don’t bend the rules or tweak the system, in honor of redheads everywhere (except for the scary kind, you know, the creepy ginger kids), I am being crazy impulsive and am going to post a letter that DID get a response; one that even said I was cute and nice, natch!  In what is a bizarre turn of events, this woman ACTUALLY READ my profile.  Ironically, that’s what got me in trouble.  I give her credit for being honest and direct at any rate.  Maybe her no longer being on OkCupid has something to do with her tricking some guy exactly like me into marrying her and making babies.

I am still looking for that elusive woman who loves “Henry Fool” and wants to stay the night.

dropping a line
Sent to redresearcher
Jan. 5, 2009 – 12:43am
25% Enemy 78% Friend 73% Match

Hi there!

I just wanted to say hello and that you have awesome taste in movies and music. Henry Fool is one of those films I use as a barometer for relationships. Of course, the downside to this seems to be that there are at least two kinds of crazy that I have experience with…the kind that hates Henry Fool with every fiber of their being and subsequently hate me..or the kind that love the movie and my taste in music and then disappear without a trace (well, I mean, they are still alive, I assure you) from my life.

Have a good night,
=======
Here is her response:
=======
Hi,

You seem very nice and the profile (and you) are definitely cute….problem is, I am not super-jazzed about the “casual encounters” or the “no children” parts….just not really my style….good luck as you continue “the quest” as it were…

Cheers,
Jen

* NOTE:  Parenthetical title is merely to distinguish it from the previous entry listed as “dropping a line” and is in NO WAY something that I had put in the subject line of the actual letter, as funny (and confusing for the recipient) as it would have been.

i like the way you think

Posted on by J-Ro

I don’t know.  This was kind of a one trick pony of a message, but it does hopefully convey one thing:  I want to bowl and do karaoke at the same time.  I think that at least the subject line addresses something about the recipient.  I wonder how many more messages like this one she received before canceling her account and running away from the computer screaming.  But if you’re going to use the screenname LizLemon, you are going to attract weird nerdy guys.  I wish I could remember what she looks like.

i like the way you think
Sent to lizlemon
Jan. 4, 2009 – 11:59pm
10% Enemy 86% Friend 87% Match

Hi!

Just for the record, I have actually done karaoke at a bowling alley. But it was a shitty bowling alley on LI. I also once went to a karaoke night at a hick bar near the Pennsylvania/West Virginia border where three drunk cowboys would not relinquish control of the microphones.

but yeah, Bowlaoke would so rock.

take care,

the Mosby-Stinson Saturday night message conundrum

Posted on by J-Ro

Here’s another funny and well-written email that doesn’t really say much of substance, but says a lot about my personality.  I referenced the awesome “How I Met Your Mother” in the subject line (of which she is a fan as well), with just a subtle hint of Schrödinger’s cat in it.  Yes, I did mention another female, but I also mentioned that she was also using OkCupid, and found an appalling man on it.  I think this to be an acceptable reference to another woman, because it’s fucking funny.

Now, I have gone back to her profile to visit and see why she wouldn’t write me back, and it appears that she is ageist.  She herself is 28.  Now, everyone nows that the acceptable age difference is widely regarded to be half your age plus 7.  At the time I wrote her, I was 35 and she was 27.  According to my age then, she could have been 24.5 and still be within reason.  At the bottom of her profile now, it currently says that I don’t meet her requirements because messages sent to her by anyone over 35 years old will not be highlighted.  Usually, I find Jewish girls to have some kind of daddy issue that tends to skew them towards older men, so this is quite a shock to me.  I do so love making generalizations.

Oh, but before I go, let me leave you with the funniest sentence a robot has ever uttered, courtesy once again, from the IceBreaker machine: “I think you both like cooking, jew, spoon, stars, and modest mouse.” 

the Mosby-Stinson Saturday night message conundrum
Sent to editrix101
Jan. 3, 2009 – 11:53pm
18% Enemy 77% Friend 80% Match

Hi!

I realized after I clicked on your profile and thought you seemed pretty cool that I was now stuck, because, well, frankly, a message from a guy between 10pm & 2am on a Saturday night is a little suspect. So I figure I can own up to having already been out and gotten home before 11. I’m not proud of that, but there it is.

So yeah, to prove my theory, my friend Christine agreed that even though she was home on a Saturday night and checking the site, she would be wary of whomever sent her a message at that time. Of course, she then received a message from a guy whose picture on his profile was a closeup of “not his face” as she put it. So I figure at least I have no photos of THAT on here.

Please note that I’m not usually home on a saturday night, but I guess a slow night every now and then is due to happen.

take care,

Had to give you props…

Posted on by J-Ro

Now, this letter was brief, laudatory (who doesn’t love being applauded for repeating stuff that Eddie Murphy performed 25 years ago?), and sincere (have you seen this girl’s smile?  very nice).  Plus, she says she likes to laugh and I closed with a really bad pun based on the phrase that I was commenting on.  This was classic, and never received a response.  Note:  the “Wookin’ pa nub” bit was in her “three adjectives about me” section.  It now says “Fun, in the and sun.”  BOOOOOORING, Sidney, boring!!

But it’s okay, the IceBreaker thing could only think up that we both like the Beatles and Neko Case.  That could be anybody!  It wouldn’t have worked out.

Had to give you props…
Sent to More_Than_OK
Jan. 3, 2009 – 3:29pm
22% Enemy 80% Friend 76% Match

for the “wookin’ pa nub” reference. Nice job!

Anyhow, I had to let you know that it was appreciated. You have a really great smile, too.

Oh and I ran away from Times Square as soon as I got out of work at 3 on Wednesday. I can’t ever imagine going there for New Year’s. I didn’t even see the ball drop on tv this year.

sorry, I didn’t have anything witty planned for this, just saying hi and forgetting the “Hi” part.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I need to be wookin pa brunch.

take care,

Missed IM Message(s)

Posted on by J-Ro

Hey everyone,
This one is kind of confusing to me.  Now, if you’ve gone to the trouble of instant messaging someone, but they miss your message, couldn’t you at the very least respond to the apology for missing your message?  This one isn’t very clever, but it’s all true.  I will post another one in a  few minutes to make up for it.

It’s a shame, really, because since the IceBreaker machine said “I think you both like little miss sunshine, juno, san francisco, heroes, and real genius,” we would have had minutes of interesting conversation.

Missed IM Message(s)
Dec. 14, 2008 – 4:00am
23% Enemy 84% Friend 75% Match
Message from curlyhairedimp

curlyhairedimp: hi

Dec. 14, 2008 – 4:17am
Hi, sorry I missed your IM. I was quite involved with writing an account of how I met this one band on my record label for a feature on the band that my best friend is writing for her webzine and had a different tab open…too many tabs open…

bye!

you had me until you mentioned math

Posted on by J-Ro

Leave it to me to write to a complete stranger and throw my brother under the math bus.  Apparently, she’s seeing someone now.  I guess he likes math.  I believe I have another letter in this series that mentions the woman being blonde and good at math, so I’m sure that one needs no further investigation.

This letter goes to show that sometimes when you are drunk and/or awake at 5am, quality control is not really something you have a whole lot of.  I kind of wish that the icebreaker feature had existed then, so okcupid could have told me the stuff i inserted into brackets below, because that would have been fucking funny to send to a woman.

you had me until you mentioned math
Sent to msfrannyglass
20% Enemy 77% Friend 78% Match
Dec. 13, 2008 – 5:02am

i mean, i’m not my brother, who had problems with fractions (yeah, i know), but yeah, a jew who isn’t like accountant-awesome at math..maybe it’s because my dad’s not jewish. hmmm.

[it is important to note that OkCupid thinks we both like cooking, sushi, the shins, the beatles, and rushmore. and therefore should make babies or something]*

*please note that the bracketed sentence is NOT part of the actual letter, which is why it is in brackets.  Certain English majors I know had problems figuring this out while surfing the web at work.

i just wanted to say

Posted on by J-Ro

So yes, this might win the award for shortest message sent that you’re likely to see on here.  Also, it’s worth noting that I don’t think there are any women out there who rate higher percentagewise on the site at the moment.  So it makes sense that she never replied and that she is no longer active, because she probably never existed in the first place, and by mentioning Vonnegut’s under-appreciated novel mentioned below, was merely a construct of my friend Angelo, who was clearly trying to fuck with me.

Seriously, though, I know this couldn’t be the case because as of December 2008, we hadn’t spoken enough recently for him to know that much about my reading preferences.  I just mention it because I just lent him that book a few weeks ago.

Also, now Vinnie knows I really, really do love Vonnegut, as he mentioned to me last week after reading six of these entries.  I guess since this is so short, I should post another one very soon.

i just wanted to say
Sent to lovelyallie
0% Enemy 94% Friend 95% Match
Dec. 13, 2008 – 4:18am

nobody ever mentions Sirens of Titan. Way to go! I need to re-read every Vonnegut book I own (ie, all of them).

have a good night!

had to say hi

Posted on by J-Ro

Wow, it’s 5:32am as I type this.  I spent tonight working on the Facebook fan page for this blog, so that I can break the internet by having my blog update my facebook, my facebook update my twitter, my twitter update my facebook, on and on until something goes crazy and breaks and the universe goes kablooey (like Schrödinger’s Cat and a Möbius Strip playing chicken on a binary highway – or something)!!!

That’s not the whiskey talking, either (I’m being healthy and alternating green tea with green label Jack Daniel’s), though I have had probably half the bottle tonight.  I’m going to be taking my time with these posts now, since I’m running low on remaining unanswered letters, and I’d like to keep this going for a little while before I have to switch to “Girls On OkCupid Who Wrote Me Back But For Some Reason We All Got Bored Of The Exchange And Never Even Went On A Date” or “Girls I Met On OkCupid, Had One Date With And Then Aliens Abducted Them Or Something, Because They Never Called Me Back” since they don’t quite have the same ring to it.

Or maybe I should write to more women on OKCupid that I don’t really want to date to see what they say?  I don’t really want to be trapped in my success, as I heard that the “Shit My Dad Says” guy has lost quality lately since he got his TV deal.  Also, I don’t want to be disingenuous to anyone.  Besides, this is what I’ve decided to spend my time doing as a means to procrastinate writing my novel.  At least I’m writing something, right?

I also like the way that I seem to suggest that listening to Jules Shear is akin to delving into a secret society (although some may argue that being into his music is like being in a secret society and delving into the unknown)…like the man behind songs you know, but have never heard him sing them, but you totally should.

Until next installment, if you haven’t replied to a message, it’s because you probably get inundated with crap from guys like this.  Not all of us are that bad, or merely want to “sex you up, shorty.  yo yo yo!” (Actually, we do all want to sex you up, but we don’t have the balls to be that bold.  Or do we?)

Meanwhile, I have to reply to a bunch of messages myself, because I am many things, but I refuse to be a hypocrite. [Sometimes, Jake is a hypocrite.  He hasn’t messaged all those girls back. – Ed.]

had to say hi
Sent to saddarkmatter
12% Enemy 83% Friend 85% Match
Nov. 23, 2008 – 7:16pm

Hey there!

You seem to be into a lot of deep and kooky things (religions and superstitions and whatnot are intriguing, especialy when you delve into secret societies and such), not to mention Jules Shear. I don’t know anyone into Jules Shear (I have an acoustic version of “If We Never Meet Again” that totally kills it).

Something that falls into comparative religion and absurdity of life is that Fuse is currently showing “Orgazmo” and the word “Jiz” in “Jizmaster Zero” is dropped out. So Ron Jeremy is “Master Zero.”

Well, I’m off to smuggle a beer from home into a comedy show because I am cheap.

cheerio!

i have no idea what to say

Posted on by J-Ro

My last post of the year for 2009. Good riddance to a mostly shitty year.  Lost a job, got booted out of my apartment, made a mess of a friendship, lost a girl to distance…the world lost some talented-ass musicians and writers.  Hopefully, 2010 will be better.  Somehow, I have a feeling certain things will be, at least.

So yeah, I think in the new year I am going to update this blog just once a week instead of every day, because I’m running out of old letters.  Yesterday’s was the last of the first batch that I had prepared in anticipation of this blog.  So I may be updating this less, but I promise to make it bigger and better.  I’m also going to start up a Facebook fan page for it.

I think if I ever make another dating site profile (god forbid), I will make my screen name Gavin Volure! Anyway, enjoy this final foray in 2009, and I will see you again in what I can only hope is a year that doesn’t suck as much bullsperm as this one did.  I’m gonna go end the year watching kung fu blaxploitation films starring Jim Kelly (see last week’s post on Zardoz for links).

And most importantly, be safe tonight!

i have no idea what to say
Sent to pasapropos
18% Enemy 73% Friend 80% Match
Nov. 23, 2008 – 6:49pm

Hi there.

I clicked on your profile and was intrigued by your lack of personality divulgements (what book is that paragraph from?) and your also having been a college radio dj (something I did until last year, even though I haven’t set foot in a classroom in 13 years)…

otherwise, I don’t know what else to say, I’m kind of distracted re-watching this week’s 30 Rock (Steve Martin!) and a couple Newcastles down.

have a nice night!